I Don't Need Advice

Most people don't talk about grief, and that's why it's so misunderstood...but I'm talking about it. We don't talk about it because we know that if we are truly honest about how we really feel, people will think something is wrong with us or tell us we need therapy or give us advice about how we should be handling things...because that's just what people do. So we keep it inside and push it away and pretend that we're just fine and dandy.

But I'm not afraid to share the reality of what it's like to be a widow. It is frustrating, because as soon as you share your heart and talk about how hard it really is, people's natural reaction is to try to fix you. You get the advice about what to do with your grief and the "Matt wouldn't want you to be sad" comments and the "he's still with you" comments and the comments about finding peace and joy in God. People truly just do not get that we don't want any of that. All we need is to be heard. To know what we're feeling is normal and that nothing is wrong with us. We don't want or need advice. It makes us not want to share our true feelings. I know people are just trying to help, but I'm trying to educate people on what is actually helpful and what isn't.

Another thing people don't get is that we have good and bad days and that our emotions and moods are all over the place and change from minute to minute sometimes. People see us being happy and having fun and think we must be fine and are moving on. They don't see the sadness and the struggle we carry every day, even when we have those moments of happiness. And on the other hand, when we share something we're feeling on a bad or more emotional day they think we're stuck in our grief and need to move on or get help. They think that if we share how sad we are that it means we never have happiness, which isn't true at all. As I've said many times on here, happiness and sadness co-exist. We can have deep joy and deep sorrow at the same time. We can have peace and joy in Jesus but still feel sadness and pain.

I think I'm doing pretty well with all that I've lost, with my whole world being turned upside down, but I'm not going to pretend everything is just fine. I actually do have many  moments of happiness. I don't sit around and mope and cry all day. I get out and have fun. I've actually met a guy I've been hanging out with who I really like....but the fact is I'm still grieving and will forever. Unless you've lost a spouse you won't get how brutal is really is. You can't understand it. I've been through multiple losses and they don't compare to losing my husband.

This life is weird and confusing, but I'm navigating my way through it and doing the best I can, which is a LOT better than I would have ever thought a year ago. I have had many good days mixed in with the bad days, so I know I'm gonna be okay.  I'm still a work in progress. And I'm going to continue sharing my story, my struggles, the good times, and the bad times. But I don't need or want to be fixed, I don't need advice, and I don't need to be cheered up. I just miss my husband.