I'm close to the 11 month mark, and I would say that in some ways things are better...but every day is still an emotional roller coaster. It feels like I'm living in two different worlds sometimes...the one where I'm pretending everything is fine in my day to day interactions, and then the world inside my brain where there's a war going on. A war between wanting to move forward, wanting to be happy again, wanting to just be done with the grief...and not wanting to let go, missing my husband so much, and being terrified of forgetting what we had. I'm getting by okay, but everyday really is an emotional battle that no one sees.
The other day I had a pretty bad meltdown after coming home from my visit to see the family in New York. As I laid there on the floor on a pile of Matt's t-shirts crying, I just had this urge to just rip all the pictures of us down from the walls. Because at that moment they just felt like a reminder of all I don't have anymore.
I know people don't like to hear these things. They want me to suck it up and just be happy, because "that's what Matt would want". But that's not how this thing works. Don't you think if I could just "be happy" I would? Do you think I wake up and think, "I'm going to miss my husband and be really sad today." No, we try our hardest to be happy, sometimes for some of us to our own detriment, because we'll do anything to feel something besides grief, even if it's not the healthiest or best thing for us. No one chooses to feel this way! Thank God for my widow's group on Facebook, where we all can tell it like it is and not feel like we're crazy, because we can all relate. I often read through the posts and am just like, "Yes! Thank God, it's not just me who feels this way!"
Grief comes and goes in waves, so we do have our "good" days, the days we feel okay. But we also have really bad days, too, no matter how long it's been. It's normal to have those bad days and to feel utterly and completely sad sometimes. I have moments when I wonder if I should even try to be happy again... because it's hard to think that I would ever have that same happiness that I had with Matt again. I think maybe I had all the happiness I'll ever have here on Earth, and I just have to accept that and be thankful for it and live with knowing I'll have to get through the rest of this life without having that again until Heaven. Yes, I have days when I feel positive and hopeful, days when I feel I can do this and that I'll be okay. But on my bad days I think it would be better to just crawl into a hole and be sad than to live putting on this act every day, wanting or thinking I can be happy again, only to be disappointed in the long run. It's crazy what grief does to your brain and the thoughts it makes you think...and no one talks about it.
Today I was just sad, because when you're married for 12 years, it's hard adjusting to not having someone to do every single thing with. You can stay busy and distracted, but it's hard always doing things alone that you used to do with someone else...eating dinner alone, going to sleep alone, watching TV alone, going on walks alone, going to church alone, going to the store alone, going to the park alone. I once did all of those things with my husband, just enjoying and sharing those little day to day things in life with him, and that's what I miss. Yes, I do things with friends, and it helps, but it can't be every day...and even then, I still miss doing those things with my husband who was my BEST friend. I just miss him. I miss my normal, boring, monotonous life with him. I know people want me to feel nothing but happiness, but I'm not walking around constantly depressed and sad every second of every day, even though I feel the grief and think of Matt every second. I have moments of genuine happiness and true laughter, and I thank God for that. But I'm not gonna sugar coat things. This life ain't easy.
I just find it amusing how people think they can tell me how to get out of my grief and not feel sad. Until you've lost your husband or wife, please refrain from telling me what I need to do to get "better"(as if grief is a disease we need to be cured of...). I'm doing all the right things. I'm staying busy but also giving myself time to rest and grieve when the waves hit me. I work out and eat healthy. I journal and get out in nature. I pray and read the bible every day. I talk to friends. I get out and do things. And all of that has helped me get through this. To a certain extent. But I just still freaking miss my husband. And that makes me sad.
The other day I had a pretty bad meltdown after coming home from my visit to see the family in New York. As I laid there on the floor on a pile of Matt's t-shirts crying, I just had this urge to just rip all the pictures of us down from the walls. Because at that moment they just felt like a reminder of all I don't have anymore.
I know people don't like to hear these things. They want me to suck it up and just be happy, because "that's what Matt would want". But that's not how this thing works. Don't you think if I could just "be happy" I would? Do you think I wake up and think, "I'm going to miss my husband and be really sad today." No, we try our hardest to be happy, sometimes for some of us to our own detriment, because we'll do anything to feel something besides grief, even if it's not the healthiest or best thing for us. No one chooses to feel this way! Thank God for my widow's group on Facebook, where we all can tell it like it is and not feel like we're crazy, because we can all relate. I often read through the posts and am just like, "Yes! Thank God, it's not just me who feels this way!"
Grief comes and goes in waves, so we do have our "good" days, the days we feel okay. But we also have really bad days, too, no matter how long it's been. It's normal to have those bad days and to feel utterly and completely sad sometimes. I have moments when I wonder if I should even try to be happy again... because it's hard to think that I would ever have that same happiness that I had with Matt again. I think maybe I had all the happiness I'll ever have here on Earth, and I just have to accept that and be thankful for it and live with knowing I'll have to get through the rest of this life without having that again until Heaven. Yes, I have days when I feel positive and hopeful, days when I feel I can do this and that I'll be okay. But on my bad days I think it would be better to just crawl into a hole and be sad than to live putting on this act every day, wanting or thinking I can be happy again, only to be disappointed in the long run. It's crazy what grief does to your brain and the thoughts it makes you think...and no one talks about it.
Today I was just sad, because when you're married for 12 years, it's hard adjusting to not having someone to do every single thing with. You can stay busy and distracted, but it's hard always doing things alone that you used to do with someone else...eating dinner alone, going to sleep alone, watching TV alone, going on walks alone, going to church alone, going to the store alone, going to the park alone. I once did all of those things with my husband, just enjoying and sharing those little day to day things in life with him, and that's what I miss. Yes, I do things with friends, and it helps, but it can't be every day...and even then, I still miss doing those things with my husband who was my BEST friend. I just miss him. I miss my normal, boring, monotonous life with him. I know people want me to feel nothing but happiness, but I'm not walking around constantly depressed and sad every second of every day, even though I feel the grief and think of Matt every second. I have moments of genuine happiness and true laughter, and I thank God for that. But I'm not gonna sugar coat things. This life ain't easy.
I just find it amusing how people think they can tell me how to get out of my grief and not feel sad. Until you've lost your husband or wife, please refrain from telling me what I need to do to get "better"(as if grief is a disease we need to be cured of...). I'm doing all the right things. I'm staying busy but also giving myself time to rest and grieve when the waves hit me. I work out and eat healthy. I journal and get out in nature. I pray and read the bible every day. I talk to friends. I get out and do things. And all of that has helped me get through this. To a certain extent. But I just still freaking miss my husband. And that makes me sad.
Life really is not easy. Love does not die with the physical body, it always stays and it is what keeps us standing daily! Everything can die except love. Only love deserves immortality within us. We are together! you inspire me to continue, I see myself in you!
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are your feelings and attempting to justify them is like trying to explain the color green to the number 5.
ReplyDeleteit was really nice post it was helpful to us
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