Lindsay's Ramblings

I've heard that in some ways year two is harder than the first year. And so far I'm finding that to be true...just in a different way.  Year one is all about surviving. You're pretty much somewhat in a state of shock that whole first year.  Even after months and months have gone by, it still sometimes just doesn't feel real. Your life is on pause for a little while, even though you keep living because you have to. Life feels surreal. Then the one year anniversary comes...you made it whole year without your person, when you never thought you could. One day at a time, you survived.  Now you're in the second year, and this is when you realize that you want to start feeling "better", whatever that even means, or if that's even possible. You don't really know how to even do that...but you do know that life must go on and that you don't want to just go through the motions anymore. You know that you're tired of feeling sad and lonely al...

I'm realizing that you can't run from grief.  Lately I've been trying to stay busy, trying to do all the things that make me feel somewhat happy, or at least distract me from feeling sad...but it's starting to backfire on me. I read something a while back about grief that said, "the only way through it is through it." And boy, am I finding that to be true the hard way. In the beginning, I feel like I was doing okay handling the grief. I mean, I felt horrible, but I expected to feel that way. I took 2 months off of work when Matt died. I let myself be sad and mope around and cry. I took walks and listened to sad music and just cried and cried and cried. For almost a year, I pretty much cried every single day. I exercised, walked, journaled, and spent time with friends. I let myself grieve. When I felt a wave of sadness coming on, instead of running from it or trying to distract myself, I let it come and rode it out. I would curl up on the couch and cry...