2019 and Life Lately

With summer ending and a new season beginning, I've found myself reflecting on this past year and all the things I've done. I was in a very low place during the holidays last year and the start of the new year...that 6-8 month mark was probably the worst I've felt in this whole grieving thing. It was winter, which is always awful for me, and it was the first holidays without Matt. I was still grieving hard and was super lonely.

Thanks to my best friend for letting me come crash her date nights and have sleepovers with her and the kids, I got through those months...and then in February, I met my current boyfriend. Things started getting a little better then, having someone to do things with and text with every day. I started looking forward to life again, instead of just going through the motions.

Although I was dreading 2019, with it being a whole new year without my husband, I've actually had a lot of really fun times this year. Yes, it's been a struggle. Yes, it's been an emotional rollercoaster, being so up and down, having moments of happiness and then times of depression. But looking back, I've done a lot of new and fun things this year, thanks to my boyfriend and good friends.  This was the year I just said "yes" to things, got out and did stuff I probably wouldn't have before.

Got my nose pierced on a whim, went to Thurby- first time ever doing any Derby festivities...went to Thunder over Louisville...took a road trip to New York with Katrina...
went to Nashville for a weekend with friends....had lots of fun in the sun at the pool, the rock quarry a couple times, the lake, and went tubing and camping for the first time!

I was as happy and content as could be with my husband and the life we had together. I wouldn't have changed a single thing. But now that he's gone, I guess I'm just trying to do new things and get out of my shell a little....and trying to embrace the life that I have. I'm so thankful for the people God has put into my life during this time. Without them, I feel like I might legit be in a mental institution right now!

Here's to the rest of 2019... to making the best of the life I have now...and soaking in all the good moments I can! Will I every find true happiness again? I honestly don't know...only time will tell I suppose. But right now I'll be thankful that I can at least have happy moments. Most days are good, but I still have the days here and there when the depression creeps up on me and I just want to lay on the couch and cry all day. If it weren't for work, I probably would. The grief waves keep coming, but they don't last as long. I'm enjoying hanging with my boyfriend and his kids. I don't know what the future holds with us, but it gives me hope that there can still be good in my life to come...

I miss Matt so much. Sometimes the urge to talk to him is overwhelming. I NEED to talk to him, have him hold me in my arms and calm my fears, tell me everything will be okay. I need to hear his laugh. It's hard because at this point I feel like people think I've "moved on".  When that's SO not the case. I am fighting depression. I am scared. I miss him every day. You don't move on from a spouse. You don't ever stop loving them. I have a couple close friends who check up on me, but besides that, it's mostly crickets... which I kind of expected.But it's still sad to me sometimes. It feels like he's already been forgotten. But life moves on and people stop caring. It sucks, but it is what it is.

I'm still trying to get back into going to church, but it's been so hard. I just want to cry the whole time, and for the first time, I do have a bit of anger. I find that going to church leaves me feeling more depressed. The other day I went and all I thought was how thankful I was to have found Matt, such a godly man, to have beside me every weekend at church, and then how I had to sit in a church with him in a casket. Like, that's where my thoughts go. But I'm going to keep trying....I'm in a weird place right now.

I'm also really dreading going into winter. It's like we just always skip the Fall here in Kentucky now. I'm so jealous of the states that actually have some nice 70s weather for a couple months! The cold winter months have always been hard for me, but now it's even worse without Matt and dealing with grief at the same time. I'm not looking forward to the dark, cold, dreary days, nothing fun to do, no sun on my skin or lake or pool days to look forward to...and to make it worse, my brother is moving out in a couple of weeks, so I'll be getting used to being in my house alone all over again. I'm hoping the holidays will be a bit better this year, but I really just don't know. Sigh...what can I do to get me through the winter? Give me some ideas!