Heavy

Oh, how I miss being light and free.

But those days are gone. 

My heart is heavier these days. I often feel tired, worn...just heavy, is the only way I can explain it. I feel so much. I think so much. It never used to be this way. My brain is a constant jumble. Will it ever go back to "normal"? I suppose my brain is still adjusting and processing so many different emotions...and it's just tiring. I still almost daily have flashbacks/memories of Matt, my past life, images from when he was sick, regrets...while at the same time trying to embrace this life that I have and be positive and hopeful for the future. 

But my heart isn't heavy just for me and my loss and grief. It's so many things...the state of this world ...my friend's and family's wellbeing...the pressure to be a good girlfriend, friend, a good influence, a good Christian...it weighs on me. I know there is so much good in this world, but sometimes it can be overshadowed by the all the bad, by all the pain and heartache. I feel for everyone who is struggling, everyone who is grieving, everyone who feels lonely. I can relate so much more now, which can be both a blessing and a curse.

Then , with this COVID stuff going on, you can't even get together with family, or go out to a restaurant, which I NEEED in my life(I know, I know, first world problems)...then there is the financial stress and worries now that I am just a single income, hoping I make the right decisions and save for my future while still being able to live life-it's a hard balance. Matt was so good with finances and saving and budgeting, and that's just something I haven't had the mental capacity to deal with just yet. Thank goodness he saved money to give me a little cushion to live off of until I figure it out...if I ever do. I'll get it together one of these days...ha. Then there is relationship stress, because let's face it, dating at 35 is way different, especially with kids and exes involved and all the issues that come with that-resentment, disagreements, jealousy, scheduling, custody issues, etc. All the lovely joys that come with divorce(just being honest).

Don't take this as me being in despair. I'm not. Some days it's just a lot...and I keep inside like most of us do, until it all comes flooding out and I just need to have a good cry. I have a joy deep down inside that will never be taken away. But life can just be a lot sometimes, especially when the one you shared your life and struggles and worries with is gone. But you know, the bible says that Jesus was a man of sorrows. No wonder, he carried the weight of the world and their salvation on His shoulders. How it must have pained Him and still does to see people rejecting Him and choosing destructive pathways when He knew He could give them LIFE.

But even though I'm sure he felt heavy, when I picture Jesus, I picture Him joyful, peaceful, content. Because He trusted the Father and knew how everything would work out. And that's how I want to be, my soul at rest, even in a world filled with chaos. And I know that will only come from resting in Jesus, giving all my worries and cares to Him.