Ranting

 I get mostly love and support and encouragement and I'm so thankful for that, but there are the few ignorant/nasty people out there whose comments I know shouldn't get to me, but are still like a stab in the gut. 

I don't feel the need to defend myself, because I am going to live my life and do what brings me happiness, no matter what anyone thinks... but it's hard not to let those few mean comments get to you. I realize that by putting myself out there, I do open myself to judgement, and that's okay. It's worth it for the people that I am helping by being real and sharing my story.

But ya just gotta love when people who haven't been through what you've experienced think they have a say in how you should live your life... like there is some sort of rulebook that widows should follow after losing a spouse to make others comfortable. 

I mean, would you like to write a manual on grief? Would you like to tell me how many years I should wait, if ever, to find love again? How long I should suffer through loneliness and feeling like you want to die until it's okay to date again? How I should pay my bills after having my income reduced to less than half of what it was before? How I can support myself while looking for a new job so that I can make more money? How long I should stay in the house I shared with my husband who is NO LONGER HERE, the big, empty, silent house where I spent days and nights at CRYING for months and months? 

 Would you like to do the home and car repairs and all the other things that my husband once did? Would you like to tell me what I should do when I'm on the floor sobbing, crying out to God to take the pain away? Would you like to pay for my therapy and anti-anxiety medications? What about when I dread the nights and weekends, knowing that I'll be at home alone, while everyone else goes home to their families and/or spouses? Should I choose THAT over hanging out with someone of the opposite sex and actually having someone to talk to and laugh with for a few hours?

We widows/widowers have been through ENOUGH without having to deal with judgment and criticism about the way we grieve or live our lives. We already have had our whole LIVES turned upside down and sometimes can barely even function, much less worry about what other people think of our decisions or what the "right" way to grieve is. So, if we meet someone we have a connection with, then what? We say, "Oh no, I have to wait until the 3.7 year mark for it to be socially acceptable"?  Or is 5 years the magic number? Or should we live a life of misery forever? Would that make you happy? 

You really can't win no matter what you do. If you post sad things too often, then people think you're stuck in your grief and need to let go. But if you post about being happy or finding love again, they think it's "too soon" and that you've already "moved on".  And just FYI, 2 years may not seem like a long time, but to widows it can feel like an ETERNITY. LITERALLY. I feel like it's been 10 years since Matt died. Sometimes it feels like a whole other lifetime ago. 

The only people who will ever get any of this is those who have actually been through it. Even then, we all grieve and cope differently. Some widows can't imagine dating, even years and years later, while others date after a few months. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to widow. There is no timeline or rulebook to follow. So until you have walked in these shoes, please try to be empathetic and refrain from judgement, or at least keep your mouth shut.