Skip to main content

Flourish

2020 is finally over!

I had a blast going out for the first time ever on New Year's Eve. I love my friends!




I'm not one to wish time away, but this is the first time in a few years that I've actually looked forward to a new year. The past 3 years of my life have been such a whirlwind and a roller coaster of emotions. My concept of time has been so distorted and has made the last few years seem like a whole lifetime ago.

From finding out Matt's brain cancer had returned in 2017, to becoming his caretaker, to him passing away in 2018...to 2019 being such a strange year of grieving, dating, trying new things, starting a new job, learning how to live on my own first the first time in my life...my brain has been traumatized and is still processing and adjusting to this new life that still sometimes doesn't seem like my own.

For so long, I felt like I was lost at sea, just drifting around wherever the waves took me. I had lost all my sense of stability and certainty when Matt died. I had lost my home. I lost myself. It still messes with my head to this day. I had everything I had ever wanted-I was truly happy and satisfied with my life in every way, and there was nothing more I wanted. It truly was my dream come true, and I never took it for granted and thanked God for it daily. But where I went wrong was that I thought my life was set. I never thought it would change, that Matt and I wouldn't live happily ever after, growing old together. Until then one day it all disappeared-my happiness, my life, my routine, my future.

Then came 2020...it actually wasn't so bad for me compared to the previous years, but it still hasn't been easy. Both my boyfriend and I were healing from broken dreams and futures and dealing with our own issues with loss and grief, so we did hit a rough patch earlier in the year and even broke up for a few weeks. That was a really hard time, but we got through it. Then the pandemic hit, so we all know how weird that has made things. My Europe trip was cancelled, I didn't work for 2 months, events were cancelled, restaurants closed down...craziness!

Needless to say, I am looking forward to a new year, for a fresh start. I know it doesn't mean that it will suddenly be easy, and I'm sure the COVID stuff will be around for a while, but I am just ready to get this year behind me.  The last 2 years have just been about surviving, taking things day by day. But I don't just want to survive anymore. I want to LIVE. I want so badly feel free again, free of the weight of grief and fear. I want to let it go, I truly do. I want to have the weight of not knowing what will happen next off of my shoulders.  I don't want to live in the past or constantly wish that I had my old life back. Matt will always be a part of me and a part of my story...but that life is over.

Here's to hoping 2021 will be a year of growing, healing, and thriving right where I am.



Comments

  1. Dawn ClarkJanuary 28, 2021 at 6:23 PM

    Hey, Lindsay,what is up with this chick spamming your blog? I'm glad you had fun btw. Been trapped at home more lately but lucky for me it seems like the numbers of Covid cases in MA are dropping.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

People always said That time would heal the pain But how can that be When mine still remains? The tears still fall At just the thought of you So I know that what they say Just can't be true As the years go by I miss you so much still  No matter how much time passes I know I always will How are you not here To ease my hurting heart? Never could I have imagined We would ever be apart My world has been shattered A piece of me is gone And all I can do is pray For strength to live on I know that one day soon I will see you again I just have to try to suffer through And make it until then
5 comments
Read more

Putting My Heart Out There

Hey guys. Here's where we're at right now: Matt finished his radiation treatments last week. Did they help? I don't know. He's sleeping a lot more. Having trouble chewing and swallowing. Not eating much. Not talking much, at least not in full sentences. It's just been a slow, steady decline for the last few months. I think it was really too late for radiation....But who knows, maybe it is delaying things. We went in last Tuesday for his infusion and talked with his neuro-oncologist about everything that we've been seeing with Matt, and he decided that we're at the point now where we should discontinue treatments...I feel like it's the right decision, even though it breaks my heart knowing that there is nothing else we can do. But I feel like we've done everything. All the supplements, the diet, the chemo, the radiation... Matt has fought hard. He never gave up hope. He kept the faith. He never complained through any of this. Not once did I hea...
238 comments
Read more

Why?

Why? Why do I care so much?  Why do I make sure they brush their teeth at night so that they don't get cavities? Why do I spend my own money to buy them clothes, toys and decorate their rooms, among other things?  Why do I do 5,000 loads of laundry a week to make sure they have clothes to wear to school? Why do I make sure they go to church on Sundays so that they'll be raised to know about Jesus? Why do I try to give them chores and responsibilities so that they will turn out to be decent human beings? Why do I read them a bedtime story at night, even when I'm exhausted? Why do I clean up after them constantly and cook for them and try to always have healthy snacks and food on hand? Why do I go to their sports games and practices, just to feel like the odd man out standing there awkwardly with their bio mom? Why do I give 100% of myself and make so many sacrifices for children I didn't birth? Only to be insulted and told hurtful things? To be made to feel like I'm ...
5 comments
Read more