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Flourish

2020 is finally over!

I had a blast going out for the first time ever on New Year's Eve. I love my friends!




I'm not one to wish time away, but this is the first time in a few years that I've actually looked forward to a new year. The past 3 years of my life have been such a whirlwind and a roller coaster of emotions. My concept of time has been so distorted and has made the last few years seem like a whole lifetime ago.

From finding out Matt's brain cancer had returned in 2017, to becoming his caretaker, to him passing away in 2018...to 2019 being such a strange year of grieving, dating, trying new things, starting a new job, learning how to live on my own first the first time in my life...my brain has been traumatized and is still processing and adjusting to this new life that still sometimes doesn't seem like my own.

For so long, I felt like I was lost at sea, just drifting around wherever the waves took me. I had lost all my sense of stability and certainty when Matt died. I had lost my home. I lost myself. It still messes with my head to this day. I had everything I had ever wanted-I was truly happy and satisfied with my life in every way, and there was nothing more I wanted. It truly was my dream come true, and I never took it for granted and thanked God for it daily. But where I went wrong was that I thought my life was set. I never thought it would change, that Matt and I wouldn't live happily ever after, growing old together. Until then one day it all disappeared-my happiness, my life, my routine, my future.

Then came 2020...it actually wasn't so bad for me compared to the previous years, but it still hasn't been easy. Both my boyfriend and I were healing from broken dreams and futures and dealing with our own issues with loss and grief, so we did hit a rough patch earlier in the year and even broke up for a few weeks. That was a really hard time, but we got through it. Then the pandemic hit, so we all know how weird that has made things. My Europe trip was cancelled, I didn't work for 2 months, events were cancelled, restaurants closed down...craziness!

Needless to say, I am looking forward to a new year, for a fresh start. I know it doesn't mean that it will suddenly be easy, and I'm sure the COVID stuff will be around for a while, but I am just ready to get this year behind me.  The last 2 years have just been about surviving, taking things day by day. But I don't just want to survive anymore. I want to LIVE. I want so badly feel free again, free of the weight of grief and fear. I want to let it go, I truly do. I want to have the weight of not knowing what will happen next off of my shoulders.  I don't want to live in the past or constantly wish that I had my old life back. Matt will always be a part of me and a part of my story...but that life is over.

Here's to hoping 2021 will be a year of growing, healing, and thriving right where I am.



Comments

  1. Dawn ClarkJanuary 28, 2021 at 6:23 PM

    Hey, Lindsay,what is up with this chick spamming your blog? I'm glad you had fun btw. Been trapped at home more lately but lucky for me it seems like the numbers of Covid cases in MA are dropping.

    ReplyDelete

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