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Distant...Life/Thoughts Update

When they say that grief changes but never goes away, it's so true. This whole grief journey is so hard to explain or understand unless you have been through it. And not just grief, but the loss of a spouse specifically, someone whom your WORLD revolved around. 

I still miss Matt every day. Not a day has passed in 3 and a half years that I haven't thought about him. But at the same time, I enjoy this life I have, I truly do. It's weird now-as time passes, I just feel more and more distant from him. I feel like if we were to meet today, we would be strangers, that he wouldn't even recognize me. And that is so weird to think about when it comes to the person you were closest to in your life. It's weird sharing that closeness now with someone new. It plays tricks on my mind. I even dream about it often-Matt coming back and be having to tell him that I'm with Damon. I hate those dreams.

When I think of the past, it makes me sad, but it feels like that person wasn't me...so it's almost like sometimes my grief now is for the person I used to be. Don't get me wrong, I love who I am today. I just don't feel the same as that person I used to be at ALL, and sometimes that makes me sad. I was so innocent, so naive, so carefree, so... happy.  I wonder often what Matt would think of me now. I wonder who I would be now if he were still alive. I wonder what it would be like to talk to him now. It just makes me sad that there will be a day when I will have been without him longer than I was with him, that the memories will become more and more distant. I hate thinking of that. 

But...the positives...I do feel happy and peaceful more often that not.  I am extremely thankful for the life I have today. I bought a new house, and I love it. It feels good to have a fresh start, something of my own. Things are good with Damon and me and the kids. I'm still working at the salon and doing some personal training on the side. I'll be starting at a new gym soon, since the one I've been working at is closing down. So that will be a good opportunity.  I stay busy...which is good for me! When I'm still, like driving in the car, is when the grief hits me and the tears tend to come. Which I know is good for me every now and then. Just gotta breathe through it, acknowlege it, and let it go.

I've learned that things could change in the blink of an eye, so I still don't want to get too comfortable, although that is hard! We get into our routines, we get comfortable, it's just life. Just gotta remind ourselves to live in the moment and remember that God will get us through whatever comes our way.

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