Skip to main content

Thoughts

I'm not the same person I was 4 and a 1/2 years ago. 

I feel like I have experienced more in these last years than I have in my whole life. 

I wish that this version of me could talk to Matt. I would LOVE to talk to him, get his wisdom and insight on things. I miss that terribly. Matt just seemed to know everything and always have the best wisdom and advice to give. 

Losing Matt isn't just something that happened to me in my past and then I just move on and think about it here and there. No-it forever changed me. You don't lose your HUSBAND, your whole LIFE, and come out unscathed. 

I think about him all the time. I see reminders of him everywhere, daily. And while I can be happy with my life now, grief and sadness are forever companions that visit, sometimes more often than others. 

Matt shaped who I was for the 14 years that I knew him. I was truly the most happy, peaceful and content I've ever been in my life.

And losing him has changed and shaped me. Grief has changed me. 

I could never not talk about Matt. I don't want to feel like I can't talk about him. He may be a part of my past, but he is in my present and my future as well. He's in my every day, even if it's just a passing thought. And he's in my future-because I know that one day I'll see him again.

So I go on living my life, but Matt...dear, sweet, Matt...he is always there, and I wouldn't want it any other way.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

People always said That time would heal the pain But how can that be When mine still remains? The tears still fall At just the thought of you So I know that what they say Just can't be true As the years go by I miss you so much still  No matter how much time passes I know I always will How are you not here To ease my hurting heart? Never could I have imagined We would ever be apart My world has been shattered A piece of me is gone And all I can do is pray For strength to live on I know that one day soon I will see you again I just have to try to suffer through And make it until then
5 comments
Read more

Putting My Heart Out There

Hey guys. Here's where we're at right now: Matt finished his radiation treatments last week. Did they help? I don't know. He's sleeping a lot more. Having trouble chewing and swallowing. Not eating much. Not talking much, at least not in full sentences. It's just been a slow, steady decline for the last few months. I think it was really too late for radiation....But who knows, maybe it is delaying things. We went in last Tuesday for his infusion and talked with his neuro-oncologist about everything that we've been seeing with Matt, and he decided that we're at the point now where we should discontinue treatments...I feel like it's the right decision, even though it breaks my heart knowing that there is nothing else we can do. But I feel like we've done everything. All the supplements, the diet, the chemo, the radiation... Matt has fought hard. He never gave up hope. He kept the faith. He never complained through any of this. Not once did I hea...
238 comments
Read more

Why?

Why? Why do I care so much?  Why do I make sure they brush their teeth at night so that they don't get cavities? Why do I spend my own money to buy them clothes, toys and decorate their rooms, among other things?  Why do I do 5,000 loads of laundry a week to make sure they have clothes to wear to school? Why do I make sure they go to church on Sundays so that they'll be raised to know about Jesus? Why do I try to give them chores and responsibilities so that they will turn out to be decent human beings? Why do I read them a bedtime story at night, even when I'm exhausted? Why do I clean up after them constantly and cook for them and try to always have healthy snacks and food on hand? Why do I go to their sports games and practices, just to feel like the odd man out standing there awkwardly with their bio mom? Why do I give 100% of myself and make so many sacrifices for children I didn't birth? Only to be insulted and told hurtful things? To be made to feel like I'm ...
5 comments
Read more