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A Beautiful Life

The 14 years I had with Matt were beautiful. The life I had with him was all that I had ever wanted, wished for, hoped and prayed for. HE was all I had ever wanted, wished for, hoped and prayed for. He was an absolute blessing to me. Not having HIM in my life is an ache I will always feel. 

These last few years of my life have been hard, obviously... especially compared to the life I had with Matt-a life of comfort, quiet, ease... It's truly been a whole new world for me, navigating life as an adult on my own without him, and then suddenly thrown into a life with kids-it's such a drastically different life than I had ever envisioned for my future. 

I will always miss that life I had with Matt. It really was so perfect. It almost feels like it was just a dream, looking back...like a whole other lifetime ago. It's a strange feeling. 

Sometimes think I have a mental block when it comes to my future, or even now, like when it comes to being truly happy and content. It's almost like I feel that if I get too comfortable or let my guard down, something bad is going to happen and I'll lose it all again. Like I don't want to allow myself to feel "too" happy or get too comfortable, because what if it doesn't last? I know I would make it through, but starting over again, and going through that pain and grief again is just terrifying and overwhelming to think about....so I try not to. But I do want to allow myself to truly feel and sit in happiness without worrying about if it will last or not.  If that even makes any sense...??

But as I was taking a walk the other day, I was just thinking about how truly blessed I am, and how my life can STILL be beautiful, despite what I've been through. It CAN still be beautiful, even if it's not perfect. It can still be beautiful, even amidst the chaos and stress of raising kids and a hectic schedule. 

I have been given SO much, and I now have the opportunity to help raise these 3 amazing(and wild and crazy and loud) kids, to help them grow into mature, responsible, loving and most importantly, Christ-loving adults. I hope I'm doing a good job. I really have no clue what I'm doing! Do any of us when it comes to parenting??  Ha. I'm learning that being a stepmom is one of THE hardest things you can do-helping to raise and parent and love children who aren't yours is tough-mentally, physically, emotionally...all the things. I have some really difficult days, if I'm being honest. 

Life isn't always going to be easy. It isn't always going to turn out the way we thought it would. But I do truly believe that God put me where I am right now for a reason, and I believe that He will give me the strength to fulfill the role in which He's placed me. 

I don't want to have the mindset that my best years have already happened, but to believe that there is still so much life and joy and beauty in store for me now, and in the future. Life may be harder now, but that doesn't mean is can't be beautiful.It just means I need a little more of God's grace, a little(or a LOT) more of God's strength, and a little more of God's wisdom.



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