Skip to main content

A Beautiful Life

The 14 years I had with Matt were beautiful. The life I had with him was all that I had ever wanted, wished for, hoped and prayed for. HE was all I had ever wanted, wished for, hoped and prayed for. He was an absolute blessing to me. Not having HIM in my life is an ache I will always feel. 

These last few years of my life have been hard, obviously... especially compared to the life I had with Matt-a life of comfort, quiet, ease... It's truly been a whole new world for me, navigating life as an adult on my own without him, and then suddenly thrown into a life with kids-it's such a drastically different life than I had ever envisioned for my future. 

I will always miss that life I had with Matt. It really was so perfect. It almost feels like it was just a dream, looking back...like a whole other lifetime ago. It's a strange feeling. 

Sometimes think I have a mental block when it comes to my future, or even now, like when it comes to being truly happy and content. It's almost like I feel that if I get too comfortable or let my guard down, something bad is going to happen and I'll lose it all again. Like I don't want to allow myself to feel "too" happy or get too comfortable, because what if it doesn't last? I know I would make it through, but starting over again, and going through that pain and grief again is just terrifying and overwhelming to think about....so I try not to. But I do want to allow myself to truly feel and sit in happiness without worrying about if it will last or not.  If that even makes any sense...??

But as I was taking a walk the other day, I was just thinking about how truly blessed I am, and how my life can STILL be beautiful, despite what I've been through. It CAN still be beautiful, even if it's not perfect. It can still be beautiful, even amidst the chaos and stress of raising kids and a hectic schedule. 

I have been given SO much, and I now have the opportunity to help raise these 3 amazing(and wild and crazy and loud) kids, to help them grow into mature, responsible, loving and most importantly, Christ-loving adults. I hope I'm doing a good job. I really have no clue what I'm doing! Do any of us when it comes to parenting??  Ha. I'm learning that being a stepmom is one of THE hardest things you can do-helping to raise and parent and love children who aren't yours is tough-mentally, physically, emotionally...all the things. I have some really difficult days, if I'm being honest. 

Life isn't always going to be easy. It isn't always going to turn out the way we thought it would. But I do truly believe that God put me where I am right now for a reason, and I believe that He will give me the strength to fulfill the role in which He's placed me. 

I don't want to have the mindset that my best years have already happened, but to believe that there is still so much life and joy and beauty in store for me now, and in the future. Life may be harder now, but that doesn't mean is can't be beautiful.It just means I need a little more of God's grace, a little(or a LOT) more of God's strength, and a little more of God's wisdom.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

People always said That time would heal the pain But how can that be When mine still remains? The tears still fall At just the thought of you So I know that what they say Just can't be true As the years go by I miss you so much still  No matter how much time passes I know I always will How are you not here To ease my hurting heart? Never could I have imagined We would ever be apart My world has been shattered A piece of me is gone And all I can do is pray For strength to live on I know that one day soon I will see you again I just have to try to suffer through And make it until then
5 comments
Read more

Putting My Heart Out There

Hey guys. Here's where we're at right now: Matt finished his radiation treatments last week. Did they help? I don't know. He's sleeping a lot more. Having trouble chewing and swallowing. Not eating much. Not talking much, at least not in full sentences. It's just been a slow, steady decline for the last few months. I think it was really too late for radiation....But who knows, maybe it is delaying things. We went in last Tuesday for his infusion and talked with his neuro-oncologist about everything that we've been seeing with Matt, and he decided that we're at the point now where we should discontinue treatments...I feel like it's the right decision, even though it breaks my heart knowing that there is nothing else we can do. But I feel like we've done everything. All the supplements, the diet, the chemo, the radiation... Matt has fought hard. He never gave up hope. He kept the faith. He never complained through any of this. Not once did I hea...
238 comments
Read more

Why?

Why? Why do I care so much?  Why do I make sure they brush their teeth at night so that they don't get cavities? Why do I spend my own money to buy them clothes, toys and decorate their rooms, among other things?  Why do I do 5,000 loads of laundry a week to make sure they have clothes to wear to school? Why do I make sure they go to church on Sundays so that they'll be raised to know about Jesus? Why do I try to give them chores and responsibilities so that they will turn out to be decent human beings? Why do I read them a bedtime story at night, even when I'm exhausted? Why do I clean up after them constantly and cook for them and try to always have healthy snacks and food on hand? Why do I go to their sports games and practices, just to feel like the odd man out standing there awkwardly with their bio mom? Why do I give 100% of myself and make so many sacrifices for children I didn't birth? Only to be insulted and told hurtful things? To be made to feel like I'm ...
5 comments
Read more