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Rambling on a Monday

 Hi my 25 friends! :)

Just thought I'd pop in for a random thoughts post....

So lately I have just been feeling down. I usually do kinda get in a "funk" during the winter, but it really hasn't been that bad this year. I feel like it actually went by pretty quickly...but NOW it's March, and I am just OVER it and ready for the warm weather. We've had some teases the last couple weeks, which have been AMAZING...but then it's back to cold or rain and dreariness, and I just NEED that to go away. And I need a beach trip or road trip or something! 

Plus, it's me and Matt's wedding anniversary on Thursday....so I know that my body is feeling that, even if I'm not even consciously thinking about it. So that could definitely be a big part of why I've felt down lately. Grief is always there, and Matt always pops in and out of my head, but the grief waves do get worse during certain times or days. 18 years ago, I was in Hawaii right now about to get married, and I was the happiest I'd ever been in my life. 

It's just sad, because as time passes, yes, your heart heals somewhat...the pain lessons...but it also feels like the person you lost drifts further and further away from you. On one hand, I don't want to deal with this grief and sadness for the rest of my life, but on the other hand, I HATE that one day Matt is just going to be a part of my past, just a distant memory. When at one point, he was my everything, my whole world. 

And there are days, when it just still HURTS so freaking much, and I wish I could talk to him about so many things-I NEED to talk to him. It's like an ache, it's a HOLE in my heart that will never go away. I often think about why I feel so much more anxiety than I used to in my life "before"...but it makes sense. Trauma for one thing, yes...but also like we didn't have KIDS. I mean, that definitely brings a lot of stress LOL. But also, I didn't have to worry about finances at all-Matt dealt with all of that. So there was another thing to not have to worry about. If anything went wrong, Matt was there to fix it. And Damon does that now, but it's just different with not being married, like at least in my mind...like, I don't feel like I should expect Damon to do stuff for me. A part of me still feels like I'm on my own. Which the whole marriage thing is also something that bothers me at times but....that is a whole other blog post for another day! 

Just always a lot of things whirring around in this brain of mine. And FYI being a "stepmom" is also just really freaking hard. Have I mentioned that before? Haha. 

Well, anyways, the good thing is, the days are now longer, finally!!! And Summer will be here before we know it-and I'm determined to have the best summer EVER!! :) 

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