Lindsay's Ramblings

I cried on my to work today.  Which really isn't rare, to be honest... 7 years and I feel like I still cry so much and still miss him so much. I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know how I'm "supposed" to feel after this long. Should I be missing him less? Thinking about him less? 7 years sounds like such a long time, yet to me it doesn't. Because I still miss him so much. I still feel like my partner is missing. It seems to never go away. Yes, some days are better than others. But there isn't really any long stretch of time where I go without thinking about or missing him.  I don't know what to do with that sometimes. I don't know if I'm "stuck" in my grief, or if it's normal, if this is just how I will feel for the rest of my life. A part of me just doesn't want to FEEL this grief anymore.  But I can't not feel it.  In the beginning, I welcomed it. I let it take over every part of me, whenever it wanted. I cried and I cr...

I've never struggled with self-esteem before...but it's taken a hit since Matt died, for various reasons. And parenting sure will reveal all your flaws and failures as a person! But I've found myself lately stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and self-talk...and it has just gotten worse these last few months.  I've done a lot of self-reflecting and thinking and journalling lately, and my eyes have been opened to some things. When I'm sitting in silence and not distracted/busy(usually when I'm driving), is when the negative thoughts start creeping in and then just continue to spiral... "I'm not good enough" "No one likes me" "I'll never have a friend" "I'm disposable" "No one cares how I feel" "I keep pushing people away" "I'm a failure" I find myself ruminating about past situations, things I should have said or done differently, or interactions with the kids and how I could ...