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Feeling Griefy

I cried on my to work today. 

Which really isn't rare, to be honest...

7 years and I feel like I still cry so much and still miss him so much. I feel sick to my stomach.

I don't know how I'm "supposed" to feel after this long. Should I be missing him less? Thinking about him less? 7 years sounds like such a long time, yet to me it doesn't. Because I still miss him so much. I still feel like my partner is missing. It seems to never go away. Yes, some days are better than others. But there isn't really any long stretch of time where I go without thinking about or missing him. 

I don't know what to do with that sometimes. I don't know if I'm "stuck" in my grief, or if it's normal, if this is just how I will feel for the rest of my life. A part of me just doesn't want to FEEL this grief anymore. 

But I can't not feel it.  In the beginning, I welcomed it. I let it take over every part of me, whenever it wanted. I cried and I cried and I cried....but these days, I feel like I shouldn't let myself feel like that...but maybe I should still? Maybe I shouldn't be trying to tamper it? Maybe that's what helped me so much the first couple of years, is not pushing it away? I don't know at this point, this many years later, what I should be doing with my grief. When should I push it down, and when should I let myself TRULY feel it? 

Yes, I cry, usually on my way to work, but I don't really allow myself to give in to it the way I used to. That's where I am right now with it. I also feel kind of guilty after being with Damon for so long and still missing Matt so much. It seems unfair to him. I just have this connection with Matt that I've never felt before, and he was a PART of me. I can't "let go" of someone that feels like he is ingrained in my very being, my body, my soul. And I just miss him. I miss laughing with him and him making fun of me, I miss how much he loved and adored me, I miss talking to him, I miss him taking care of me. I miss our life and my happiness and carefree-ness. But I know I've gotta let that life go. I will never, ever have that again. 

Maybe I just have to give myself more grace and more time. I've always told myself there is no timeline...but maybe in my head there WAS a timeline for how I'm supposed to be feeling. 5 years? 6 years? 7 years? I shouldn't be feeling SO much grief at that point, right?? But says who? Maybe I should accept feeling this grief still, even NOW, the way that I did at the beginning, instead of thinking something is wrong with me. 

Maybe it will get better after 10 years, after 15...I don't know. It really doesn't matter. I guess the main thing is that I'm still living my life. I am moving forward. I do feel happiness. I DO enjoy my life, even though it's different and I still miss Matt.







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