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TRUTH Mindset

I've never struggled with self-esteem before...but it's taken a hit since Matt died, for various reasons. And parenting sure will reveal all your flaws and failures as a person! But I've found myself lately stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts and self-talk...and it has just gotten worse these last few months. 

I've done a lot of self-reflecting and thinking and journalling lately, and my eyes have been opened to some things. When I'm sitting in silence and not distracted/busy(usually when I'm driving), is when the negative thoughts start creeping in and then just continue to spiral...

"I'm not good enough"

"No one likes me"

"I'll never have a friend"

"I'm disposable"

"No one cares how I feel"

"I keep pushing people away"

"I'm a failure"

I find myself ruminating about past situations, things I should have said or done differently, or interactions with the kids and how I could have done better...I just constantly feel like a letdown to myself.

I've allowed Satan to keep me stuck in this cycle of self-pity for a while now...and it's doing nothing but bringing me now and dimming my light-which is EXACTLY what he wants! I have let the lies become so loud in my head and have become so consumed with self-doubt, that's it's effecting my mental health...and has made me become a person that I don't want to be. It's caused me to feel down and depressed and worthless.... I've become moody and easily irritated and overwhelmed. I just don't feel like myself.  I'm reacting in ways that don't align with who I am or the person I want to be.

I've also come to realize where I have been the problem and where I need to work on myself, my issues, and MY healing instead of worrying about what everyone else needs to do or change. I can't control that-I can only control MYSELF and work on being better. And actually, realizing that has been FREEING in a way, because it feels like I have some control over something-that I CAN work on myself and do better-and that I'm not a lost cause!

I've started working with a therapist, and she has helped me to realize that I need to be more aware of my negative thoughts and self-talk and start speaking to myself positively! I've never been big on "positive affirmations" and all that jazz...it has always felt silly to say nice things about myself TO myself-but it's not really about telling yourself how awesome you are-it's about speaking TRUTH to yourself. 

So from now on, when those negative thoughts start popping up in my head, instead of dwelling on them and allowing them to suck me in...I'm going to replace them with TRUTH. I'm going to take every thought CAPTIVE. I need to retrain my brain by changing my thoughts. I need to speak to myself and remind myself of what is TRUE-I am worthy, I am loved, I am SEEN, I am CHOSEN, I was created for a PURPOSE, I am a child of God-I am who HE says I am. I have HIS strength and power in me. I will stand on the truth of God's WORD-not my feelings and emotions. My feelings are NOT truth!

I'm also going to look into finding a church group/bible study to be a part of. It's something I have avoided for a long time out of fear and because of my social anxiety....but I feel like I have been trying and failing to make friendships/connections outside of church and it's just not happening. For years, I've been telling myself I won't fit in with the super "churchy" people, or there won't be anyone who is in a similar life phase as me(widowed in their 30s/40s with no kids)...or I picture myself sitting there awkwardly. It just scares the crap out of me. 

But if I'm being honest with myself, I know that I need a godly circle of people in my life...I need to find people who have similar values as me, because maybe then I won't feel so "different" when I do hang out with people. It's just another area where I have allowed SATAN to win by letting FEAR control me. And I know that FEAR is not of God. And if it sucks and I hate it, then oh well! At least I can say that tried...and maybe it will be totally fine and I was stressing and nervous for no reason! I've done hard things...and I can continue to do hard things, especially when it's something GOD is calling me to do.


Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 11, 2025 at 1:27 PM

    Just wanted to pop by and say Hi! I'm not sure where or how I came across your blog SO many years ago...possibly through working out somehow? Not sure. Anyway, I have your blog saved to my feedly account, so I see new posts there. I admire your tenacity and perseverance despite losing your first husband, and not giving up on life. This post is quite applicable, because I think we all have a voice in our head telling us lies, that we believe. Even though we know deep down, it's the opposite of what God's word says. Thank you for sharing. ~Janel

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