Lindsay's Ramblings

  7 years... It's hard to fathom. 7 whole years without a piece of my heart and soul. Something I never imagined I could possibly live through, yet here I am. The time passes...and they say that time heals...but for me, the missing never stops. I think of him still, every day, all the time. I live life, and I experience joy and gratitude...and I have a good life. But it's not the same. I also have a pain and a heaviness that I live with on a daily basis that I'm still getting used to, as someone who was so "light" and joyful and bubbly and carefree their whole life. Some days I still feel like a stranger in my own life, like I'm just going through the motions. Some days I feel that I'll never get over it, that I'll never stop thinking about losing him, that I'll never be 100% okay again... and maybe that's true. Maybe this is my lot in this life-to have met and loved someone so hard that I'll never get over it...that I had a love for someon...

The Stepmom You Don't See by The StepMama Hangout When people talk about stepmoms, they often tell half the story. They might call us "bonus moms" like it’s all rainbows and perfect family dinners. Or worse — they paint us as intruders, villains in someone else’s story. But here’s the truth no one talks about: Being a stepmom is a sacred kind of hard. It’s showing up for moments you weren’t there to build, but still choosing to love fully. It’s carrying the weight of responsibility without the recognition. It’s knowing that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you’ll always be viewed through someone else’s distorted lens — and still choosing kindness over resentment. You have to learn how to love children who didn't ask for you. You have to learn how to support your partner while balancing a family dynamic you didn’t create. You have to weather storms you didn’t cause — and sometimes, you’ll do it in silence, because not everyone will understand the battles you’re f...

How g rief looks these days... always staying busy running, running, running... ...work and kids and sports and fun... In the midst of all the chaos and busyness I can almost forget the grief is there. But there's still just a feeling, a sadness that hits me at times... and I know it's the grief, bubbling at the surface. I push it down, stay distracted... tell myself to think about how great my life is, hoping maybe that will make it go away. But it doesn't. It may be just a fleeting thought, a flashback, a memory... sometimes just a quick pang in my chest there and then gone the next second. There are many good days... and then there are the soul crushing days when you still ask yourself, why? How? How is he really gone? How have I made it this far? Why? Just why? I miss him I need him... my soul hurts from the missing. But I don't want to think about it I want to ignore it, I want to pretend it isn't there push it down... It's in the silence when I feel it mo...

 There are two types of women in the gym: The women who are there to shrink themselves, to be the smallest they can be...the women sweating away on the cardio machines, trying to burn as many calories as possible, punishing themselves for something "bad" they ate, or for eating "too much"...the women who are so scared to touch a weight for fear of gaining muscle, of taking up too much space... the women trying to get rid of the cellulite on their thighs, trying to change themselves because they hate their bodies. Then there are the women who are in the gym not to shrink themselves, but to build themselves UP...the women who aren't scared to get jacked and are PROUD of their muscles...the women who are using food as FUEL to lift heavy and get strong AF...the women who are training because they love themselves, not because they hate themselves...the women who know that lifting weights is an investment in their future, because they know that being strong and having...

 Well, y'all...I turned 40 today, I don't know what it is, but I've been feeling very emotional and contemplative lately...not about getting older or anything like that, I guess just reflecting on life and the last 10 years. Man, I've been through some stuff. I'm definitely not the same person I was entering into my thirties, that's for sure. Life has changed so much... And even though I am excited about the future and all that's to come, and I'm SO thankful for where I am right now, it's still hard in these moments, feeling like it's another thing Matt is missing out on, or that I'm moving farther away from him. I don't know...it's hard to put into words...but it's got me feeling some kind of way! I'm happy and sad and thankful and anxious and hopeful, all at the same time. And I guess also just thinking about how Matt didn't get the opportunity to reach his 40s...which is sad, knowing how much life he still had to live. ...

  "Don’t allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not." -Paulo Coelho Sometimes I feel bitterness and resentment and anger build up in me from things that have happened in the last few years...people who have hurt me, insulted me, abandoned me.... And while I don't want to be naive or walked on or disrespected, I also don't want to be a person full of bitterness and anger. I don't want to be defensive all the time, or someone who gets easily triggered and reactive. I want to be calm and gentle, while also having boundaries, which is a hard balance. I want to be grace-filled and slow to speak and not let my emotions get the best of me. So I have to fight it. I have to pray for God to take it from my heart when I feel the bitterness creep up. I have to pray for healing. I have to let go of certain things. I have to forgive. Because I don't want it to make me into a person that I'm not. I have to remember that at the end of the day we're al...

In the last few years, I've often struggled with feeling like I'm not the person I used to be.  I've talked about it before, how I used to be so calm and even-keeled, so emotionally stable. And now? I feel like just the opposite-emotional, moody, impatient, easily overwhelmed. But the other night as I was journaling about this-how I was so calm and stable before Matt died... and then I realized, well maybe it was partly because my whole LIFE was calm and stable back then! So, I mean...it makes sense, right?  I've realized that I get too down on myself for getting stressed out, or for losing my patience, or for feeling so emotional and/or irritated at times...aka HUMAN, right?  LOL. But you know what? I've been through some sh*T! My life is a little crazier now. So yeah, maybe it's not that I'm such a different person, it's just that I'm dealing with different things and just finding out more about myself. I'm finding out I like peace and quiet an...