He's Gone

As most of you know by now my husband, the love of my life, took his last breath on Friday, June 29, at 3:30 a.m. It was exactly one year to the day since his brain surgery.

Watching my husband die was absolutely the most horrific thing I've ever experienced. It was so surreal. We knew it was coming, but still, I was not prepared for how hard it would be. I've even been through this before, 12 years ago with my dad, and that was hard.... but this was just on another level. For the last 6 months, I've been trying to imagine life without him, trying to imagine what it would be like without his presence on this earth, but I just never could. And now that it's finally happened, it is so much worse than I thought it would be. It feels like my life is over. Well, my life as I knew it IS over. 

We had the funeral and visitation Monday and Tuesday, and Kyle Idleman did a great job of honoring Matt. I am SO thankful to him for doing the service-I know that Matt would not have wanted anyone else. But I've felt like a robot the past few days. I've been on autopilot really since Saturday, and sitting there at the funeral, it all just didn't seem real. I felt numb.

But the tears that didn't come the past two days came today. This has been the hardest day since Friday for me. I feel nauseaus, my head hurts, I can't sleep. My brain hurts from thinking about what to do next, where to go from here, even though I haven't really even thought about that too much. Right now I just think about Matt and how much I miss him. I'm exhausted at the end of the day, but as soon as I lay my head down on my pillow, all of these images from the past year fill my mind.

My brother and sister-in-law came in Sunday with the boys. It was really nice to see them and get lots of hugs from Noah and Caleb! They left today, so now the house is quiet again. It's also hard because it's the 4th of July, and everyone is having cookouts and having fun with their family and friends, continuing on with their lives, while mine has stopped. 

Even though I do have friends and family to talk to, it still feels lonely. Because I don't have the ONE person I actually WANT to be with and talk to. That's probably just something I'll have to get used to-feeling lonely. I know that one day God will swoop in and comfort me with his presence and will lift me up and restore me, but right now I only feel the absence of Matt's presence. 

And I know people are trying to comfort me with their words by saying, "Oh Matt is still with you, he's all around you, he's your guardian angel, he's watching you".... I just don't believe that. No, he's not here. I believe he's in Heaven, and he is as happy as can be, but I don't believe he looks down and watches over me. That's what God does. There is no sadness in Heaven, and if Matt could see the pain I feel right now, he would be sad. So no, that does not bring me comfort. I don't "feel" him with me, and I never did with my dad either. Right now I don't feel peace or joy or comfort. I just feel SAD.

Anways, I will post a more well thought-out memorial to Matt soon, but right now, these are just my raw and real emotions at the moment. I've been posting my thoughts on the Team Capp page at night, kind of like an online diary. It really does help me to get it out. Here are a few from the last few days:

6/29/18
"Hey Team Capp...I’ve been struggling with what to say and how to say this, and I’ll probably end up rambling, but here goes. Today my love-my strong, sweet, beautiful love-took his last breath at 3:30 a.m. and went Home to be with Jesus...exactly one year after his brain surgery. You think you can be prepared for this when you know it’s coming, but you just can’t. The only person who’s comfort I want right now is the one who can’t give it to me. I miss him so much. I know where he is now is so much better, but it doesn’t change how much I miss him."

6/30/18
"Oh, Team Capp, or Dear Diary, I should say...nights are the hardest. I stay busy during the day and can feel "okay", but nights are when I would lay beside him in bed with my head on his chest and watch TV-usually Friends the last 6 months. I loved hearing him laugh so hard, especially at Joey... until he didn't really laugh or watch TV anymore.
I just keep seeing so many images in my head. The man he was before cancer, the helpless man he became as I was his caretaker, and the moment when he breathed his last breath. Watching someone die from this disease is absolutely HORRIFIC, the most horrible thing I've ever been through in my life.
I just keep seeing him and the way he was looking at me Tuesday...those eyes...like he almost knew what was coming and wanted to communicate to me so badly. He even tried to talk a few times and just couldn't, and that killed me. But I just kept talking to him, telling him how much I loved him and reassuring him that God's got me, and that he didn't have to worry about me, that he could let go and I would be okay.
I'm so thankful for all of your messages and posts, but I can't keep up. I'll read through them all some day, I promise."

7/1/18
"Tonight’s thoughts, as tears stream down my face:
I have been so blessed for the last 14 years of having Matt in my life. Ever since the beginning of our relationship, Matt always told me he wanted to bring me all the happiness in the world, and that he did. He was my everything. 
I’m so thankful for him and the love that we had. I’m so thankful that towards the end, we still had those good days. I’m thankful that he was never too “out of it” to know or recognize me. I’m so thankful for that Tuesday when he was raising his eyebrows and nodding a little in response to my questions. I even saw his lips move when I told him I loved him, saying I love you back to me. When I looked at him and said, “Hi, my love”, as I always did, he would smile, just a little. You could tell it was so hard for him to move his face, but he tried. For me, he tried, because I had told him how happy it made me when he smiled. 
Up until the very end, he was still trying to make me happy."

7/2/18
Well, it was a long day.
Everyone asks how I’m doing, of course. And well, the answer is that I'm okay...when I don't have a chance to think.
When I think, that’s when reality sinks in. That’s when I’m not okay. I’m sad and shocked and heartbroken and lost, and nothing’s okay, and all of this is not okay. And no one will get it unless they’ve been through it...
At one point today I was looking around and thought for a split second, “where's Matt?”, because I'm so used to him being by my side at gatherings...so that was hard.
But I do want to thank all of you who came by today to express your condolences."

7/3/18
"Well, here I am again with my bedtime ramblings. I always tell myself I’m not going to post today, I don’t want to sound like a crybaby, I need to be strong, I don’t want to seem like I’m having a pity party or whatever, or feel like I want attention, or I don’t want this page to be about ME instead of about Matt, and I’m always a little hesitant after I write to hit that “post” button...but every night I just feel like I have to share the thoughts that come into my head. And usually what happens is that tears are streaming down my face as I start to write, and then when I’m finished, they’re gone. So I guess this is my therapy. Or who knows, maybe one days these ramblings can help someone else who’s going through something like this, to know that they aren’t alone, and that it’s okay not to be strong all the time, and not to feel okay. Or maybe it will make you each appreciate your life and your loved ones more. 
So here are tonight’s ramblings...
People search and hope and wait for their true love for years and years and years sometimes...but I found mine right out of high school. I found the LOVE of my life-the man I always dreamed of, wanted to share my life with, grow old with-and now he’s gone...so what now? What do I do now? What is life without the person I pretty much shared every single day and night with for 12 years?
Matt is all I’ve known since I was 18. I’ve never had to make a decision on my own, I’ve never been without his guidance and help since I moved out of my parent’s house. So right now my world is turned upside down, and it’s hard to imagine living a life without my love by my side. Matt was my shoulder to cry on, he was my helper, he was my friend, and he was the only person in my WHOLE life who truly knew the REAL me, inside and out. I had that fairytale love, I truly did. I’m not going to say things were perfect, but man, they were close.
I loved my life, and I loved my husband more than anything....and maybe that was the problem. Maybe you shouldn’t love someone so much, maybe you shouldn’t make someone your whole world.
I know God will make something beautiful out of this someday, I know that. I know he will take my shattered heart and put it back together. I DO have hope that one day things will be better, even if I have to wait for Heaven for that. But you know what? That does NOT make the pain go away. It does NOT make me feel better, at least not right this second. Right now I feel devastated. Yes, I have walked around feeling like a robot the past two days and have held it together, but that doesn’t mean I’m not falling apart on the inside.
I guess by sharing these thoughts, I’m inviting you all to share in my journey, the journey of my healing, the journey of God’s grace in a life shattered. I don’t know...I’m literally just writing these thoughts as they come into my head. Maybe it will help someone else heal, too. As Kyle said today, there may not be a reason why this happened, but there IS a purpose. God will not waste my pain. I believe that. I trust."


Comments

  1. First and foremost you're not a crybaby! You just lost the love of your life and that's totally understandable. I'm so sorry for your loss but don't even feel guilty about missing Matt or for wishing he was still there with you. It's not the same but I remember a few months ago my favorite uncle passed away and it's still tough. Something funny will happen or I'll be sad and all I can think is,"I wish you were here,Uncle Rev,so I could tell you about this or have you to talk to." When my grandmother passed away, my Uncle Rev was the pastor who performed her eulogy and I remember something he said that I still carry with me. He mentioned the scene in Lion King where Rafiki was telling Simba that he knows his father and Simba says his father passed away but Rafiki kept insisting that,'No. Mufasa was still there." because our loved ones who pass live on through us so you're right. Matt's looking down on you. He's in heaven but his faith,the remarkable person he was,and more importantly his love for you live on through you. Take care of yourself.

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  2. Lindsay as time passes it will hurt less and less. You have been though so much watching the love of your life slowly pass. Now comes life without him and all the firsts . you will come out ok. It takes time and little by little you will see pictures of him and enjoy the memories you shared. I read your comment about not making one person your world, But ya know what he was your world and he always will be. Your broken heart will heal and your life will go on. God has a plan for you . Don't hold it in , cry your eyes out , scream if you want. You don't have to pretend its all ok ,because its not just yet, but it will be.

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    1. My husband was diagnosed with Kidney cancer its going on 2 years. I hurt for you because I know how its was always on your mind. I have to slap myself to come back to positive thinking. I tend to go into I cant live without you . His 6 month scan is coming up this week and it is horrible . I feel sick to my stomach and try real hard to think positive thoughts and know God has this. He has one kidney left and that's the one that has been operated on twice. some days I wish they would just take it and he could go on dialysis and I have a plan to do it at home while he's sleeping so it wont feel like its interfering with his life. I just want the cancer gone. Like you and Matt he is my world. He is always trying to make me feel better. At one point he was the one holding me up when he was the one going through it. I honestly am so honored to hear your story and know we are all in this together. I don't know how you did it knowing the last ounce of hope was gone. I know my husband has a real positive attitude and I know I have to have the same ,but its so damn hard. I talk to God and I pray with God and I know it is in Gods hands. So Lindsay never feel alone. I read your blog and I use you for my therapy . I know you will one day be happy again and the sadness will go, but I know its real scary right now. I know your lost and sad and scared . I will pray for you and your healing and maybe you can pray for my husband to.

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  3. Hello Lindsay,I work with your mom who I must add is an AMAZING PERSON! I love her like my own mother. Her and I have talked so much about you and Matt pretty much on a daily basis. I’ll never ever forget consoling her broken heart the day you all got the news. She was hysterical and then I became hysterical. Then we went for a walk and just talked. I had already shared my story about my 5 year old niece who was in so many many ways my own daughter, she had suddenly passed away. She was alive and playing, swimming bike riding and making funny faces at me on Saturday and was pronounced dead 2 days later on June 24th, 2013. We had no warning, no good byes she was just gone. Our family was devistated completely and utterly devistated. We had never dealt with death before and here we all lost our little girl. What hurt was that my life stopped, in those moments it stopped, & the hardest part was that everyone else’s didn’t the world kept going but my life stopped all I did was cry and cry and cry. Granted she was not my husband with whom I would have a different love and relationship for but loosing her was loosing my child and this pain even today almost 5 years later is a pain I wish on no one. At first your right NOTHING and I mean nothing regardless of how mean it sounds does not bring comfort. While all the nice emails and comments are beautiful for me it brought no comfort it just caused me to cry more. I realized how Final it was. How I would never get to see Jaylyn Crim grow up, go to school, love Justin Bieber, have a prom or ever hear the words Aunt Kathy in only the cutest way she knew how. I remember after she was pronounced dead we had to keep her ‘alive’ on ventilators for 48 hours so we could donate her organs and although I knew she went home to meet Jesus and was gone from the physical world I sat there for 38 hours straight not leaving once, holding her hand and remembering the color of her hair and the freckles on her hands, how her cheeks looked, her hair line her little painted toes and etched her little temporary tattoos I placed on her arms 2 days prior I took in ever detail. I would like to say it gets easier but right now you don’t care to hear that right now just Mourn. Mourn for him mourn and cry and scream and doubt and pitty and wallow. Do whatever you feel like doing whenever you feel. That is what will help you feel better. I do not feel Jaylyn around me either. I just hope a little of her was reborn into my daughter who is 2 now! Do what you feel like doing what you want when you want. That is what will eventually after a lot of time will help you feel better day by day.! I guess I’m saying there is no right or wrong way to act after the loss of your other half. There is no right way or wrong way to carry yourself. You do not own anyone an explanation why you mourn and cry the way you do. Nothing will bring happiness not for a while, because your right the one you want is no longer with us. For that reason you will feel lost and it’s ok. I wish I could bring him and Jaylyn back. I know he will fall in love with her when he meets her and there both pulling pranks on each other. Atleast I hope so! I will get better but for now do whatever feels natural whenever, y’all get it out, cry it out I promise that will help you a lot!

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    1. Thank you so much. What you said was very helpful. And I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure they are definitely pulling pranks and laughing right now!

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