Yes, I Still Lift

After Matt died, I had no energy for almost 2 weeks straight. My limbs felt heavy, I had a constant headache, and my stomach was queasy. Needless to say, working out was not in the picture. I was mentally and physically just drained. After about a week and a half, I tried to do a workout at home, but just ended up laying on the floor for like an hour instead. The next day, I tried again and that time, I was able to do it. I knew I had to listen to my body and not force myself to do what it wasn't ready to do yet. But I felt ready at that point. The heaviness in my limbs had eased up some, and I was sleeping a little better. The queasiness was still  there, but it was tolerable.

I started with just a couple of easy workouts at home to ease back into things, and then went to the gym one day with a friend. It felt amazing to get in a good lift...but I had been avoiding the gym because I didn't want to deal with people or talk to anyone. I thought that surely everyone would know what had happened, but apparently not. I had a few people come up and ask how my husband was doing. One even said, "So, do you have good news?" Ummm...yeah. Awkward. Not what I wanted as soon as I walked through the gym doors.

So then I just worked out at home in my garage and went to my brother's gym with him a few times. I have enough at home to get some decent workouts in, even if I can't lift super heavy. It just feels so good to lift! It's a part of me. It's something that has always made me feel better. There were a few workouts I've done at home, where I cried between sets. But that's just my new norm. The sadness will always be there. Some days, it's there more than others, but I'll learn to live with it, accept it.

Right now I've been going to the gym more and doing more consistent, structured workouts rather than just random workouts. I'm currently going 5 days a week with a push, pull, lower, upper, lower split. Some days I have nothing better to do than go to the gym to pass the time! I'm still figuring out what to do career wise, so I'm not working right now. I just don't know if I'm going to go back to personal training, or focus more on online training, or even get a completely different job. Something in my heart feels that I need a change for a little while...or maybe I just need more time.... I just don't know.I may work a part time job and then do some training on the side. I'll figure it out.

My eating was so random for a while, but I'm getting back to my "normal" eating a little more now. For a few weeks I lived off of turkey sandwiches and protein bars. I wasn't eating horrible or anything, but I definitely was not eating as structured and was eating out a lot more because I just didn't feel like food prepping. I have been eating a lot more intuitively, and I'm really liking it. I want to try to stick with it, even thought a voice in my head is still like, "What if I"m not eating enough? Am I eating enough protein? Carbs? Too much sodium, blah blah blah..." But right now I'm enjoying it. If I want to eat a sandwich and some pretzels, that's what I eat. If I want to eat 3 big meals instead of smaller meals every 3-4 hours, that's what I do. It's kind of nice not to have to plan your day around your food or constantly meal prep! Maybe this was the change I needed. Change is good sometimes.


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