3 months. It's been 3 months since I last looked into his eyes, last saw him smile, last kissed his beautiful face, last held his hand, last rested my head on his chest and felt his heart beat. Too long. Far. too. long. It still feels surreal at times that I really lost my husband...I often find myself thinking, "How is he not here? How is this even my life?"
As I wrote in my last post, I was in one of those grief waves for a couple of weeks since I got back from Florida. It was rough. When you're in one of those waves, it's hard to see a way out, to think about ever being happy again, to imagine it ever getting better. You just hurt. SO bad. You still go out and function and smile, but you never know what random thing will cause the tears to flow. And it's so hard because no one knows how you feel, so you just suffer in silence. I can totally understand why people commit suicide after their spouse dies. I would never do that because I know God has things He wants to do through me, but I do understand it- the hopelessness, the exhaustion, the just wanting to give up. I get it.
But thank God for breaks in those grief waves, when you get a chance to come up for air and breathe. That's where I'm at right now. The past couple weeks have been better. I'm trying not to think about when the next wave will come and just enjoy the peaceful, gentle waves for now. There's not a SECOND when he's not on my mind, but there are times when the pain and sadness isn't constant. The weird thing is that when I've been doing okay, I almost don't like it that I'm okay....I don't want to be getting used to him not being here. It's just not right.
Well, I started my new job and am in training right now, so that has been a bit overwhelming. Starting a new job is hard anyway, but with grief added on top of that, it has just been a LOT. I've had times when I've questioned whether or not I should be doing this, if I can handle taking on a new job right now when my brain feels so frazzled. But I just didn't want to turn down an opportunity offered to me. I don't know if I'm making the right decision to not have a career in fitness after TEN years....I just don't know! I don't know if I'm making any of the right life decisions right now.
“Grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone who’s always been there, only to discover when I need him one more time, he’s no longer there.”
But I hear Matt in my head, encouraging me and telling me to stick it out, telling me that I can do it. I SO miss his advice and guidance, his encouragement and support. I was driving to work the other day and started crying thinking about how Matt would probably be sending me texts, saying things like, "Have a great day! You got this. You're gonna kill it!" Matt just always made you feel so good about yourself. He made you believe you could do anything.
I just have so many questions and uncertainties right now and really no one to help or advise me. But it is what it is, and I have to learn to trust myself and make my own decisions. I'm still trusting God to provide, to lead me and guide me. Towards the end, I often said to Matt, "God's got me". Just gotta keep believing that. Things will fall into place. God's got me.
One thing I was writing about in my journal the other day is how when you're a widow at 33, you have no "place" anymore-you're like a misfit. All your friends have husbands and kids. It's like, what am I supposed to do? Go hang out at their house with their kids and/or husband on a Saturday night? Um, no. They want to be with their husbands on the weekends just like I wanted to be with Matt. I don’t want to be a third wheel, and I don’t want pity invites.
So I go out to eat alone, go walk or hike at the park, or rent a movie and eat popcorn by myself on Saturday night. Something to pass the time. Being alone isn’t really the bad part, because I've always been okay for the most part by myself. I'm not a huge people person. But the weekends are still hard, and really, it’s the not having my best friend here anymore part that sucks. I enjoyed his companionship. I loved doing life with him.
The other night I was thinking about how much I miss his hugs and was trying to "feel" myself there in his arms. If you know me, you know I'm NOT a hugger. I just don't enjoy hugs-they are weird and awkward and bring NO comfort to me. BUT...I loved hugging Matt, and I smothered him with hugs...probably to make up for a whole life of not hugging! I do believe that everyone needs physical touch from someone on a regular basis. Now that I haven't had that in 3 months...I realize how much I needed his hugs, needed that physical contact with another human. I miss it.
Another thing I found myself thinking about the other day is how I feel like people don’t know quite what to do with me... maybe it's all in my head, I don't know, but I feel like I probably make people uncomfortable or awkward. They don’t know what to say or do, or if I want to talk about it or not. They want to “fix” things but don’t know how, or know that they can't. So I’m better to be avoided. Plus, since it's been a few months, I'm sure people think I'm fine by now, I've adjusted, I'll be okay...but we'll never really be okay...and we still need people. No matter how much time has passed, we still need to know that we're not forgotten. Just a text or a card or an invite for coffee is appreciated. But I know people are busy... and I don't want to be a burden. One thing I've realized through this is that you can't really depend on others. At the end of the day it's just me, myself, and God.
In other news, if you follow me on social media, then you know I've been learning how to drive Matt's Jeep. I could not have that beautiful vehicle just sitting in the garage!I went out three times in it and did pretty well with someone instructing me. It is SO much fun, and when I'm driving it, it's the closest I've come to feeling "close" to Matt. After those few times, I felt like I still needed more practice before going out in it alone, but after a few weeks I just couldn't take it anymore. So when Matt's friend Katrina came down to visit last week, we decided to brave it and drive it to the gym. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever done in my entire life...but I did it! I can't wait for the day when it will become natural to me, and I won't be such a nervous wreck the entire time. I want to be as smooth as butter, like Matt was. I have high standards to live up to!
Now that I can back it in and out of the garage, I've been driving it around the neighborhood, and it makes me soooo happy! I'm still scared to go out on the roads by myself, but I'll get there. I'm determined. This Jeep is my baby now, just like it was Matt's.
As I wrote in my last post, I was in one of those grief waves for a couple of weeks since I got back from Florida. It was rough. When you're in one of those waves, it's hard to see a way out, to think about ever being happy again, to imagine it ever getting better. You just hurt. SO bad. You still go out and function and smile, but you never know what random thing will cause the tears to flow. And it's so hard because no one knows how you feel, so you just suffer in silence. I can totally understand why people commit suicide after their spouse dies. I would never do that because I know God has things He wants to do through me, but I do understand it- the hopelessness, the exhaustion, the just wanting to give up. I get it.
But thank God for breaks in those grief waves, when you get a chance to come up for air and breathe. That's where I'm at right now. The past couple weeks have been better. I'm trying not to think about when the next wave will come and just enjoy the peaceful, gentle waves for now. There's not a SECOND when he's not on my mind, but there are times when the pain and sadness isn't constant. The weird thing is that when I've been doing okay, I almost don't like it that I'm okay....I don't want to be getting used to him not being here. It's just not right.
Well, I started my new job and am in training right now, so that has been a bit overwhelming. Starting a new job is hard anyway, but with grief added on top of that, it has just been a LOT. I've had times when I've questioned whether or not I should be doing this, if I can handle taking on a new job right now when my brain feels so frazzled. But I just didn't want to turn down an opportunity offered to me. I don't know if I'm making the right decision to not have a career in fitness after TEN years....I just don't know! I don't know if I'm making any of the right life decisions right now.
“Grief is the feeling of reaching out for someone who’s always been there, only to discover when I need him one more time, he’s no longer there.”
But I hear Matt in my head, encouraging me and telling me to stick it out, telling me that I can do it. I SO miss his advice and guidance, his encouragement and support. I was driving to work the other day and started crying thinking about how Matt would probably be sending me texts, saying things like, "Have a great day! You got this. You're gonna kill it!" Matt just always made you feel so good about yourself. He made you believe you could do anything.
I just have so many questions and uncertainties right now and really no one to help or advise me. But it is what it is, and I have to learn to trust myself and make my own decisions. I'm still trusting God to provide, to lead me and guide me. Towards the end, I often said to Matt, "God's got me". Just gotta keep believing that. Things will fall into place. God's got me.
One thing I was writing about in my journal the other day is how when you're a widow at 33, you have no "place" anymore-you're like a misfit. All your friends have husbands and kids. It's like, what am I supposed to do? Go hang out at their house with their kids and/or husband on a Saturday night? Um, no. They want to be with their husbands on the weekends just like I wanted to be with Matt. I don’t want to be a third wheel, and I don’t want pity invites.
So I go out to eat alone, go walk or hike at the park, or rent a movie and eat popcorn by myself on Saturday night. Something to pass the time. Being alone isn’t really the bad part, because I've always been okay for the most part by myself. I'm not a huge people person. But the weekends are still hard, and really, it’s the not having my best friend here anymore part that sucks. I enjoyed his companionship. I loved doing life with him.
"What I want back is the slow easy rhythm of my marriage. Friday night banter. The kind of warmth that envelopes your whole being knowing that someone is waiting for you to return home. Knowing that someone is waiting for you to text the nights dinner plans. I want to feel wanted again. Depended upon. Needed. Loved. Missed. Appreciated. Anticipated. Instead, on weekend nights, I feel empty and unsettled." -Elizabeth WootenAt night I often lay in bed and think about him....and try to remember everything about what he was like, what it was like to have him beside me in the bed, the things we would joke and laugh with each other about. I've made a list of everything I can remember about him, all our inside jokes or just his little quirks and things... and I pray I'll keep remembering more.
The other night I was thinking about how much I miss his hugs and was trying to "feel" myself there in his arms. If you know me, you know I'm NOT a hugger. I just don't enjoy hugs-they are weird and awkward and bring NO comfort to me. BUT...I loved hugging Matt, and I smothered him with hugs...probably to make up for a whole life of not hugging! I do believe that everyone needs physical touch from someone on a regular basis. Now that I haven't had that in 3 months...I realize how much I needed his hugs, needed that physical contact with another human. I miss it.
Another thing I found myself thinking about the other day is how I feel like people don’t know quite what to do with me... maybe it's all in my head, I don't know, but I feel like I probably make people uncomfortable or awkward. They don’t know what to say or do, or if I want to talk about it or not. They want to “fix” things but don’t know how, or know that they can't. So I’m better to be avoided. Plus, since it's been a few months, I'm sure people think I'm fine by now, I've adjusted, I'll be okay...but we'll never really be okay...and we still need people. No matter how much time has passed, we still need to know that we're not forgotten. Just a text or a card or an invite for coffee is appreciated. But I know people are busy... and I don't want to be a burden. One thing I've realized through this is that you can't really depend on others. At the end of the day it's just me, myself, and God.
In other news, if you follow me on social media, then you know I've been learning how to drive Matt's Jeep. I could not have that beautiful vehicle just sitting in the garage!I went out three times in it and did pretty well with someone instructing me. It is SO much fun, and when I'm driving it, it's the closest I've come to feeling "close" to Matt. After those few times, I felt like I still needed more practice before going out in it alone, but after a few weeks I just couldn't take it anymore. So when Matt's friend Katrina came down to visit last week, we decided to brave it and drive it to the gym. It was the most terrifying thing I've ever done in my entire life...but I did it! I can't wait for the day when it will become natural to me, and I won't be such a nervous wreck the entire time. I want to be as smooth as butter, like Matt was. I have high standards to live up to!
Now that I can back it in and out of the garage, I've been driving it around the neighborhood, and it makes me soooo happy! I'm still scared to go out on the roads by myself, but I'll get there. I'm determined. This Jeep is my baby now, just like it was Matt's.
Good to hear you’ve had a pocket of air recently! I think it’s awesome you are driving matt’s Jeep and that by doing so you can feel happy. There’s a country song out there called “I drive your truck” can’t remember who sings it but basically the guy drives his brothers truck to keep the feelings of his brother next to him.... also I think
ReplyDeleteIt’s very brave of you to branch out and find a job outside of fitness I know it must be hard having to pick up the pieces and try to pull yourself together so you can start supporting yourself. But god knows how strong you really are, even when you don’t feel that you are. Even when you feel lost, hopeless and lonely. You will always find a way to rise above the waves and learn how to surf, albeit it will feel like a crash course. You will fall, you will tumble but you will always be able to rise above..... thank you for continuing to blog about your journey btw. I hope you can master driving the jerpmsoon! Have you thought about getting a dog from a rescue? You’d be amazed at the power of a pets love and devotion 💕🐾
Thank you! I may get a dog some day after Asher, but right now with this new job it would be too much to take on, I think.
Delete