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Emotional....

I had a hard weekend. The weather was finally beautiful, but when I got off of work Saturday, I got into my car and burst into tears. That's actually usually the norm on Saturdays. They're just hard for me.

It's those beautiful fall days that are the saddest days for me, because it's the time of year we'd be cruising in the Jeep, or going someplace to eat outside. And now I'm doing all these things without him. And it just makes me sad, is all. I did have a few okay weeks, but now I'm feeling one of those grief waves hitting me again...

Yeah, I'm surviving. I'm putting one foot in front of the other and continuing to live my life. I have happy moments, and I even have good days. 

That's when you see the pictures of me smiling. You see me living my life and having fun. That's when you think I'm doing fine. But what you see is what I let you see. 

What you don’t see is me when I get to my car and finally let the tears fall. What you don’t see is the pain in my heart. What you don’t see is the loneliness I feel. What you don’t see are photos of me when I’m ugly crying . What you don’t see are the nights when I can’t fall asleep because I miss him so much.

When does it get to the point where people don’t care anymore? When they think it doesn’t hurt anymore? 

When am I supposed to stop grieving? After 3 months, 6 months, a year? Is that when I’m supposed to be “happy” again? 

I know, you want me to be happy. You want me to “cheer up”, "keep my chin up", "stay strong"...

Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but grief doesn’t work like that. Some things can’t be fixed by positive thinking. Some things just really HURT and it's okay to just sit there and feel that hurt and NOT be cheered up, and not hear that it's gonna get better one day. You just want to be heard. You don't 
wanna be told to keep your chin up or be positive. You don't  have to try to "fix" me or give me advice to make me feel better. It won't work.

"You'll find another man to love"...

And please, don't tell me this, either.

No. I don't want another man. I want the man I CHOSE. He was the one I chose to spend my life with. He was my person. It's not just love that I want, it's not just marriage that I miss-it's HIM.

Thinking about loving another man doesn't' bring me comfort whatsoever right now-it actually makes me feel more sad. Because I gave my heart to Matt with the intention that he would be the only one I'd give it to for the rest of my life.

And even if that's true, that I will love again, it doesn't matter to me right now. It does NOT make me miss Matt any less. Another man is the last thing on my radar right now, 3 months after my best friend, my person, the LOVE OF MY LIFE died.

I don't know what God has in store for my future, and I know that anything can happen. Maybe it's his will for me to love again, but maybe it's not. You don't know that. I don't know that. But it's not something I want to think about right now when my heart is still grieving the one that I love right now. At this moment, all I want is my husband, and no one else. 

I just miss him. Really, really, really miss him.

I miss talking to him, I miss connecting with someone on a deep level like I did with him. I never had that with anyone else, and I don't know if I ever will again(and please, don't tell me I will). There were certain things I only talked to Matt about, certain things he just got and understood. I'm just missing that, that connection with someone, having that person who just totally "got" you, who you could be real and open with about anything. 

I had a dream about him last night. 

I've been hoping and praying every night that I would dream of him, and I haven't yet. It's like if I can't have him in real life, at least I can see him and feel him in my dreams....Well, I don't remember much about the dream, except for giving Matt a big hug and kiss, and him squeezing me tight. 

It was the BEST feeling ever. 

But it made me just miss him even more today. So I don't know. I don't know what's worse-not being able to see and  "feel" Matt, even in my dreams, or having a dream that feels so real and then waking up only to realize even more how much I miss him?

Comments

  1. You feel what you feel and that's all it is. You can't change your feelings and no one should do anything other then validate what you're feeling. I don't know how long it takes to not feel like you've been emotionally gutted. I wouldn't want to guess. I just want you to know that your feelings are your feelings and sometimes the things people say to make you feel better are absolutely the worst things they can say so just remember that no matter what Matt loves you,he will always love you and that love will be in your heart forever and always. You are an amazing,remarkable person and you have every right to feel what you're feeling. Do not feel bad for anything you feel or crying in your car or what you're feeling. There's nothing else that will change it and it hasn't been that long.

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