Random Thoughts

These are just some thoughts that popped into my head the other night at midnight that I wrote out in my journal, so I thought I'd share.

I'm never going to try to be someone I'm not or feel bad about who I am, or what things I do or don't do, like or don't like. I don't care if I'm considered "weird" or different because of those things. I won't compromise who I am, or my beliefs and values because they're different than the the culture's "norms".

We all have different personalities and likes and dislikes and interests and certain environments we enjoy being in versus others, and that's okay. We should never make someone feel like something is "wrong" with them if they don't like the same things we like, or that they need to get out and "live a little". There's nothing wrong with not going along with the crowd and being like everyone else.

With Matt, I didn't ever have to try to be someone I wasn't. The things that made me different through high school and college were the things he loved me for. People may be shocked that I have never drank, that I've never been to a bar, or that I don't just hook up with random strangers, but it's just how I choose to live my life, and I won't be made to feel bad about it. If it makes me an oddball or a misfit, so be it.

Everyone has a different idea of what "fun" is, and none of it is wrong. Some people like the party life, being surrounded by crowds, and others like being snuggled up on the couch at home with a good book. My idea of fun isn't the party atmosphere, with loud music, being surrounded by people drinking, or a night out on the town. My idea of a fun is a nice low key dinner and then maybe a walk through the park, or a pizza and a movie at home and then playing a board game by the fire.  I won't force myself to like certain environments just because people think I need to branch out and try new things.

I can only and will only just be me, and I'm not going to feel bad about who I am. Yeah, I'm a pretty quiet and shy person, but I really enjoy conversation when I warm up to someone. I'm not a fan of being with big groups of people, especially people I don't know.  I'm not much into small talk with strangers, but I'll talk your face off when I get to know you, especially if it's about something I'm passionate about.

Before I met Matt, I always felt like an oddball, like no one got me. Then I met Matt, and for the first time, I felt that someone actually did-someone finally got me. I feel like Matt was the first guy who ever truly fell in love with my soul-not just my outer appearance. I knew instantly that I had found my person. We both just "got" each other and for the first time in my life, I didn't feel like an outsider. I felt understood. I felt like I belonged.

Yeah, maybe I didn't live a wild and crazy life, maybe I never partied or drank or went to bars or clubs, but I've never, ever felt like I was missing out. I'll take those 12 years of hikes and put-putt games, and dinners on the river, and walks in the park, and throwing football outside, and snuggling at home on the couch, and playing a game of Mario Kart at home over the party life ANY day. Matt and I may not have had a ton of friends, we may have been homebodies, but we were happy homebodies. I was happy in my little bubble with my husband, my person, who never made me feel less than, who never made me feel that I had to be something I'm not.

With him gone now, I feel like I'm back at square one, like I was 15 years ago when I was 18, that place where I'm the outsider again with no one I can relate to.

Comments

  1. I am like you Lindsay and people tell me all the time how I can just sit home. I like home. I don't like crowds . I like my own space . I don't drink and most times My husband and I just bring food home. We don't enjoy crowded restaurants. I am comfortable with who I am. I sure hope you are to. If someone tried to force me to go to a club I would sit there like a stump . Its not my thing.

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