Lindsay's Ramblings

  “Widowhood is more than missing your spouse’s presence. It is adjusting to an alternate life. It is growing around a permanent amputation. Widowhood is going to bed for the thousandth time, and still, the loneliness doesn’t feel normal. The empty bed a constant reminder. The night no longer brings intimacy and comfort, but the loudness of silence and the void of connection. Widowhood is walking around the same house you have lived in for years and it no longer feeling like home . Because “home” incorporated a person. And they’re not there. Homesickness fills your heart and the knowledge that it will never return haunts you. Widowhood is seeing all your dreams and plans you shared as a couple crumble around you. The painful process of searching for new dreams that include only you amount to climbing Mount Everest. And every small victory of creating new dreams for yourself includes a new shade of grief that their death propelled you to this path. Widowhood is second guessing ever...

 I get mostly love and support and encouragement and I'm so thankful for that, but there are the few ignorant/nasty people out there whose comments I know shouldn't get to me, but are still like a stab in the gut.  I don't feel the need to defend myself, because I am going to live my life and do what brings me happiness, no matter what anyone thinks... but it's hard not to let those few mean comments get to you. I realize that by putting myself out there, I do open myself to judgement, and that's okay. It's worth it for the people that I am helping by being real and sharing my story. But ya just gotta love when people who haven't been through what you've experienced think they have a say in how you should live your life... like there is some sort of rulebook that widows should follow after losing a spouse to make others comfortable.  I mean, would you like to write a manual on grief? Would you like to tell me how many years I should wait, if ever, to fin...

Oh, how I miss being light and free. But those days are gone.  My heart is heavier these days. I often feel tired, worn...just heavy, is the only way I can explain it. I feel so much. I think so much. It never used to be this way. My brain is a constant jumble. Will it ever go back to "normal"? I suppose my brain is still adjusting and processing so many different emotions...and it's just tiring. I still almost daily have flashbacks/memories of Matt, my past life, images from when he was sick, regrets...while at the same time trying to embrace this life that I have and be positive and hopeful for the future.  But my heart isn't heavy just for me and my loss and grief. It's so many things...the state of this world ...my friend's and family's wellbeing...the pressure to be a good girlfriend, friend, a good influence, a good Christian...it weighs on me. I know there is so much good in this world, but sometimes it can be overshadowed by the all the bad, by all...