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6 years

Matt,

Sometimes I feel like I have no words left to say...I've said it all-all the words there are to say about you, about my grief, about how missed you are. So I figured that I would just write you a letter and talk to you, like if we were face to face. 

It's been 6 years. It's a number I can't comprehend in my mind because I never thought I would survive any number of days or weeks or months without you, much less years. But I have, and it's bizarre...but I know that you would want me to still be loving and living life. 

6 years hasn't taken away the pain or the missing you. There's still always an ache in my heart for you, no matter how happy I am.You were my heart and my soul, and death and time and "moving forward" doesn't change that. I still think about you all the time. I still think, "What would Matt think about this?", or, "Matt would like that"...I miss your words of wisdom and being able to talk to you about everything. There are so many things I wish I could have been able to talk to you about these last couple of years-I know you would have known just what to do and given the best advice...even though there used to be times I wanted you to just let me VENT and not try to "fix" it, haha. How I'd love for you to help me "fix" some things now.

I know you would be proud of me in so many ways, and probably a little shocked, too. I'm so different than the girl you met and knew...and sometimes that makes me sad to think about, because I wonder I if you would love this person I am now, or would be strangers if we were to meet today? Just thinking about that makes me tear up...because we were such soul matches. I truly believe God created us for each other. We just fit perfectly. 

I just miss you. There's no one on this earth like you, and it just still doesn't seem right without you here. But I'm doing good, and I'm trying my best to live to the fullest. But there are still times it just hurts so bad and my heart aches for you, for the life we had, for the future we didn't get to have together. We just had such a freaking great life. I know you're so much happier where you are-it's much better than this crazy world! But I still wish you were HERE.

I sometimes find myself wondering about what our life would have been like today. Would we have decided to have a kid/kids? What would that have been like if we did? Or would we have been content and just gotten another furchild? I know you would have been an amazing dad...it's kind of weird to me now that we didn't really ever talk much about that. But obviously, it wasn't meant to be. I wasn't meant to be a mom, I guess. I guess it worked out that God never really put that desire in my heart...

You were just SO dang good to me, and I knew it then...but there are things now I see a little more clearly that really has made me realize all that you did and all that you protected me from. Life is hard, but you handled all the hard so that I wouldn't have to. And I thank you for that.You were just the best. 

I had such a great life and the best marriage because of YOU. Not everyone gets to have what we had. I have a good life now, but pain and trauma changes a person, so it will never be the same. I will never be the same... and it's just harder now. I wish I could just hear you tell me I'm doing a good job. I wish you could hear me...or just sense all the love I still have for you. You'll never go away in my mind, in my heart. I always think of you. In the silence, my mind drifts to you. Always, to you.

You blessed my life in so many ways, and I will say it a MILLION times-I am so incredibly lucky to have had you and to be the one you chose to be your wife and to share you life with. And I cannot wait for the day I get to see you again. 

Love you forever and ever, 

Lindsay/Lover



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