Lindsay's Ramblings

 June 29th, 2018.  4 years ago. The day that changed me forever. The day that made me a widow.  The day that a piece of my soul died, and it felt like all the light was sucked out from my life. The day that my heart was shattered, never to be whole again. 4 years...and I still carry my love and grief for him every single day. There will always be in a void in my heart from his absence.  Matt, you are a part of me, and I will love you forever. Nothing will ever change that.You taught me so much in the 14 years I spent with you. You taught me how to live. You taught me how to love. You taught me how to give. You taught me how to keep the faith and fight in the face of adversity. You taught me how to smile and laugh in the midst of life's trials. You taught me to find joy in each day. You taught me not to complain about life's circumstances, but instead, to use them to inspire other's and glorify God. You taught me that it's okay to be vulnerable and to wear my heart on...

 Hiiii y'all! It's been a while...anyone still out there in the good ol' blogspot world???? I know I'm so behind the times, but I still like having this blog as a way to look back on things throughout the years. Life's been pretty busy lately, but good! Having 3 kids 50% of the time definitely keeps things interesting! I have to give you parents out there props, because raising kids is HARDDDD.  Lately I have just been so hard on myself about the whole "stepmom" thing. I put a lot of pressure on myself, sometimes unnecessarily I feel like.  But I just care for these kids who are under my roof and want the best for them! I feel like it's gotten harder instead of easier as time has gone on. It's just a lot, especially being thrown into it so quickly and going from no kids and a quiet house all the time...to lots of noise and chaos!  It's making food and snacks, and setting rules and having structure, and planning fun things, and cleaning up const...

  “The best way I can describe grief as the years go by is to say it’s similar to carrying a stone in your pocket. When you walk, the stone brushes against your skin. You feel it. You always feel it. But depending on the way you stand or the way your body moves, the smooth edges might barely graze your body. Sometimes you lean the wrong way or you turn too quickly and a sharp edge pokes you. Your eyes water and you rub your wound but you have to keep going because not everyone knows about your stone, or if they do, they don’t realize it can still bring this much pain. There are days you are simply happy now, smiling comes easy and you laugh without thinking. You slap your leg during that laughter and you feel your stone and aren’t sure whether you should be laughing still. The stone still hurts. Once in a while you can’t take your hand off that stone. You run it over your fingers and roll it in your palm and are so preoccupied by its weight, you forget things like your car keys and...

Our preacher at church gave a great sermon last weekend that I really needed to hear. It  wasn't anything that didn't know, but sometimes you just need a reminder! I've been in a funk since the holidays have been over. The gray, dreary, cold weather doesn't help at ALL, and I've just felt tired, unmotivated, and just a little down in the dumps. It's really always been common for me to feel this way during January and February, but having grief on top of the usual feelings and emotions just compounds it now.  But anyway, the sermon last Sunday was about living in light of Heaven. It's a mindset I've always had, but truthfully, the last few years have obviously just been such a struggle that I feel like I've somewhat lost sight of it. I've let myself become consumed and caught up in all the things of this life. But it truly makes SUCH a differece in your mindset and how you live your life when you are living for eternity, not just the temporary thi...

When they say that grief changes but never goes away, it's so true. This whole grief journey is so hard to explain or understand unless you have been through it. And not just grief, but the loss of a spouse specifically, someone whom your WORLD revolved around.  I still miss Matt every day. Not a day has passed in 3 and a half years that I haven't thought about him. But at the same time, I enjoy this life I have, I truly do. It's weird now-as time passes, I just feel more and more distant from him. I feel like if we were to meet today, we would be strangers, that he wouldn't even recognize me. And that is so weird to think about when it comes to the person you were closest to in your life. It's weird sharing that closeness now with someone new. It plays tricks on my mind. I even dream about it often-Matt coming back and be having to tell him that I'm with Damon. I hate those dreams. When I think of the past, it makes me sad, but it feels like that person wasn...

Why? Why do I care so much?  Why do I make sure they brush their teeth at night so that they don't get cavities? Why do I spend my own money to buy them clothes, toys and decorate their rooms, among other things?  Why do I do 5,000 loads of laundry a week to make sure they have clothes to wear to school? Why do I make sure they go to church on Sundays so that they'll be raised to know about Jesus? Why do I try to give them chores and responsibilities so that they will turn out to be decent human beings? Why do I read them a bedtime story at night, even when I'm exhausted? Why do I clean up after them constantly and cook for them and try to always have healthy snacks and food on hand? Why do I go to their sports games and practices, just to feel like the odd man out standing there awkwardly with their bio mom? Why do I give 100% of myself and make so many sacrifices for children I didn't birth? Only to be insulted and told hurtful things? To be made to feel like I'm ...

 I had a talk with God today, as I've had many times before.  Today, as I walked, I just told him how I still don't understand, how I still don't get why He would give me something so good just to take it away. Why did it have to happen to me? What good could possibly come from Matt being gone from this earth. Why would He would allow the most loving, kind, generous person to leave this Earth, when he still had so much time left to live out, to reach out and have an impact on other's lives? He was such a good witness for Christ. I don't question God often, because I know that His ways are higher than mine... but I do have my days. I'm human. But I know that I can come to Him with anything-my hurts, my fears, my anger-anything and everything. He knows my heart anyway. I might as well just tell it to Him straight.  I wish I was one of those widows who has these encouraging and inspirational words to say about how they've been through has made them stronger,  h...