Lindsay's Ramblings

Well, the first holiday without him came and went. Thanksgiving for me was always the "kickoff" to the holiday season. On any other year, my day would have started out by watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving day parade while decorating the Christmas tree. Matt would have gotten all of the Christmas decorations down from where they were stored in the garage. Then I’d bake my pumpkin chocolate chip cookies as Christmas music blared in the background. My heart would be giddy and excited about the upcoming holiday season, my favorite time of the year. Most of the presents would have already been bought and probably wrapped by now. Yup, that's how much I love the holidays and especially Christmas. This year, instead, my heart is heavy, and it doesn’t feel like celebrating. I don’t feel giddy or excited, and I can’t force myself to be. All I can feel is how wrong this all is, him not being here, how everything is different. All I can feel is his absence. With that being said, t...

These are just some thoughts that popped into my head the other night at midnight that I wrote out in my journal, so I thought I'd share. I'm never going to try to be someone I'm not or feel bad about who I am, or what things I do or don't do, like or don't like. I don't care if I'm considered "weird" or different because of those things. I won't compromise who I am, or my beliefs and values because they're different than the the culture's "norms". We all have different personalities and likes and dislikes and interests and certain environments we enjoy being in versus others, and that's okay. We should never make someone feel like something is "wrong" with them if they don't like the same things we like, or that they need to get out and "live a little". There's nothing wrong with not going along with the crowd and being like everyone else. With Matt, I didn't ever have to try to be so...

The Capp Kindness Project Monday was amazing!! It made me SO happy seeing all the posts of people doing acts of kindness in Matt's name every time I got on Facebook. My heart was just overflowing. Here are some of the things I did on Capp Kindness Day: Taped some goodies to a Redbox machine Made an Operation Christmas Child box  Taped a gift card to shopping cart  Left some goodies and a gift card for the mail person Made a  donation to brain cancer in memory of Matt  Made blessing bags for the homeless with Katrina Bought a pizza for someone   Paid for the order behind me at the drive-through  Left quarters on gumball machines And here are just a few pictures of some of the posts from around the country of people doing their acts of kindness: I have to thank  Katrina for coming up with such an amazing way to honor Matt on his birthday. I have to give her the credit-I just helped take it to a la...

Tomorrow is your birthday, but as you would say, it's your birthday week, so Happy Birthday Week, my love! How I wish we were going out for pizza this weekend. I wish I were making you your favorite pumpkin cake with the cream cheese frosting that you loved. I miss you. I miss you more than I can even put into words, and more than I feel anyone could possibly ever understand. You were so good to me, and I was loved, so loved. For 12 years, I was so happy and so content and SO loved, and it was all because of you. You were everything good in my life. I would give anything to have you back, to have our life back. People are probably tired of my talking about you and posting pictures of you, but they'll have to get over it. It's been a bit of a struggle lately, living this life without you, missing you so much. It's bizarre, that's for sure. I never could have imagined that I would be living in a world without you in it. It's a strange and dull place her...

I feel like I haven't been able to write lately....I guess because at this point there's not much more to be said. I have nothing meaningful or profound  or inspirational to say right now. It starts to get repetitive. It sucks, I miss him, blah blah blah. I still wonder how this is even my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in another dimension or something. The grief waves still come. I was hit by one yesterday. Well, really, the last week hasn't been great-I don't know if maybe it's the cold and dreary weather, or thinking about the holidays coming up, or what. Yesterday was one of those days where I just woke up extra emotional and the tears just kept flowing. That's just how it it is-you have a few decent, or even good days, sometimes even a couple of weeks, and then all of a sudden a wave hits you out of nowhere. So on those days when I can, I let myself have a sucky day, let myself cry, let myself be sad, let myself feel it. That's not how ...