Lindsay's Ramblings

The short answer: I'm okay.  The longer answer: Well, I have some good days, some crappy days, and some okay days.  I've been getting out and staying busy, and that helps.  I went painting and to Derby Dinner Playhouse last week with a friend,which was a lot of fun. I've been hanging with Celeste a lot. We went four wheeling at the creek last week and had a good time. I actually had a pretty good week last week, with only a couple of crying spells, but the weekends are hard. I've gone to church the past 2 weeks for the first time without Matt, and it just doesn't feel the same. Saturdays were always our day to hang out and then go to church and  out to eat or to play putt-putt afterwards, so they're sad for me now. I used to look forward to weekends, now I just look forward to them being over. The even longer answer: Well, here's how it is: you just keep going, going, going, and you have a few good days, and you stay busy, you go ou...

  Matt- Thank you. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for making me the happiest girl in the world.  Thanking you for putting a smile on my face every day. Thank you for making me laugh so hard my face would hurt. Thank you for giving me my dream wedding on the beach. Thank you for introducing me to New York style pizza. Thank you for doing things for me and with me just because you  knew it made me happy. Thank you for leaving those little notes for me that said I love you. Thank you for all your wisdom and guidance. Thank you for working  hard and providing for us and our future. Thank you for believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself. Thank you for letting me cry in your arms when I was hurting. Thank you for putting up with my craziness at times. Thank you for cleaning the toilets because I hated it. Thank  you for praying with me every night. Thank you for t...

This is what grief is like... Feeling physically sick A constant headache from crying and not sleeping well. Having heavy limbs and no energy. Counting down the hours for the day to be over. Laying on the floor in your closet crying. Being half way through the day, and thinking, "now what?" Being in the grocery store and suddenly feeling like you just have to sit down on the floor. Feeling like you're living in a dream. Dreading night time because that's when the loneliness is the worst. Thinking you're doing okay...and then sobbing 5 minutes later. Sitting in the silence, the presence of their absence all you feel. Feeling like no one understands the pain. Wanting to be around people but wanting to be alone at the same time. Only going out in public for short increments, because you can only put on a brave face for so long. Missing their touch so much that it's an actual ache in your chest. The days all blending into each other...

Three weeks. It's been three weeks that I've existed in a world without Matt Cappotelli. And the truth is, I don't like it. Not one bit. Becoming a widow(so weird to say that word about myself, but that's what I am now)....man. It’s a whole new world that I’ve been thrown into, a world that I know nothing about. It feels like I’m 18 years old again, trying to figure out what to do with my life. It’s scary and lonely, especially when you’ve been used to having someone by your side for so long.   I try not to think too far ahead, because if I let myself think about how long of a life I have ahead of me with this pain and sadness and this missing him, it’s overwhelming. Sometimes it takes my breath away when I think about it. So one day at a time, or even one breath at a time on some days, I trust in God to give me the grace I need just when I need it. Even though my heart hurts and I miss Matt SO MUCH ... I make it through the days, which is an accomplishment. I did...

It’s common for people who go through the loss of a loved one to question God, or to be angry at Him.  I experienced those emotions when my Dad died 12 years ago from cancer. And you know what?  It’s okay to feel that way. We can come to God with our questions and doubts and anger, just like King David did, as long as you don’t let that anger continue to fester and turn into bitterness and resentment towards God. That only leads to a sad and miserable life. As I matured in my faith over the years and my relationship with God grew stronger and deeper, my mindset this time around with Matt was so much different than with my dad. I’m not going to say I never had my moments of doubts or questions, but for the most part, I stopped asking God why. I have not had any anger towards Him. He has done so much for me, for us, through Jesus-how could I be angry at a God who has forgiven and saved me, who loves me unconditionally? I stopped asking why, because I as I grew to kno...

Matt Cappotelli…. My love, my best friend, the best thing that ever happened to me… I know you wouldn’t want me to brag on you, but I’m your wife, so I’m allowed. You were an amazing man. Smart, funny, athletic, charismatic, witty, handsome, kind, generous, and humble…But that’s not the main reason I fell in love with you 14 years ago, although I loved all of those qualities about you. Most of all, I fell in love with you because of your love for Jesus.  I had prayed for a good, Christian man since I was around 12 or 13 years old, when you start thinking about those things. I dated a few guys in my young teenage years, nothing serious, but the one thing they all lacked was a strong faith-and I knew that was what I wanted in a man someday-someone who didn’t just SAY he was a Christian but who actually lived out his beliefs. I knew that was very rare and would be hard to find, but it was something that I would not compromise on when it came to my future husband. ...

As most of you know by now my husband, the love of my life, took his last breath on Friday, June 29, at 3:30 a.m. It was exactly one year to the day since his brain surgery. Watching my husband die was absolutely the most horrific thing I've ever experienced. It was so surreal. We knew it was coming, but still, I was not prepared for how hard it would be. I've even been through this before, 12 years ago with my dad, and that was hard.... but this was just on another level. For the last 6 months, I've been trying to imagine life without him, trying to imagine what it would be like without his presence on this earth, but I just never could. And now that it's finally happened, it is so much worse than I thought it would be. It feels like my life is over. Well, my life as I knew it IS over.  We had the funeral and visitation Monday and Tuesday, and Kyle Idleman did a great job of honoring Matt. I am SO thankful to him for doing the service-I know that Matt would not...