Lindsay's Ramblings

I just got back from an impromptu weekend girl's trip to Florida! I was in desperate need of the ocean, so I got a few girls together, and we flew in to Indian Shores Friday and came back early yesterday morning. The beach was BEAUTIFUL-so worth going even if just for a few days. And the weather was great besides rain a couple of evenings. I had a really good time with the girls, laughing and being silly. I've missed that! I wasn't sure how it would be, since the beach was me and Matt's "thing", but I was okay. Yeah, it was bittersweet, and I thought about him and missed him, but I really did enjoy my time with the girls. It wasn't until the last day when I felt a break down coming on. I've come to find that usually happens after doing something fun, or having a few good days. It's like there's always a crash after the high... I think it's because when you do something fun, you want to have that person to talk t...

Just need to vent today, and it's my blog, so I can. I posted something in the Team Capp page yesterday about life not being fun anymore without Matt. I thought I had created a space there where I could openly share my thoughts, good and bad, happy or sad, so I could share my journey and the reality of what I'm going through with others. Well, someone said something about me being suicidal, and that just struck a nerve with me. Then I kept getting the "be happy" and "stay strong" and "keep smiling" and "it gets better" comments ...and you know what? Sometimes that's just annoying, and last night I couldn't take it anymore.  As I've said before, sometimes you just want people to sit with you in your sadness and not try to offer you words of comfort. You just want your feelings heard and validated. You don't want to be told to stay strong, because every day we face life without our person, every day we wake up and put ...

I used to have this thing were I would say to Matt, "I feel weird". He knew that it meant that I just felt "off", but couldn't put it into words or say exactly what it was. I would say that to him, and he would laugh, or tease me about it, but it always made me feel better to just say that to him and know that he "got" it. Well, that phrase kind of sums up my life right now. I just "feel weird".  I think it's going to feel that way for a long time, maybe forever. I feel weird in a world without Matt. I feel weird without his love. I feel weird stepping into a new life, one with him not in it. I feel weird no longer being part of a couple, being an "I" now instead of a "we". I'm still working on the book, and I've been reading through my old journals from when Matt and I first started dating. It's bringing back all the memories and the emotions, and I can still feel them like it was just yesterday. I c...

After Matt died, I had no energy for almost 2 weeks straight. My limbs felt heavy, I had a constant headache, and my stomach was queasy. Needless to say, working out was not in the picture. I was mentally and physically just drained. After about a week and a half, I tried to do a workout at home, but just ended up laying on the floor for like an hour instead. The next day, I tried again and that time, I was able to do it. I knew I had to listen to my body and not force myself to do what it wasn't ready to do yet. But I felt ready at that point. The heaviness in my limbs had eased up some, and I was sleeping a little better. The queasiness was still  there, but it was tolerable. I started with just a couple of easy workouts at home to ease back into things, and then went to the gym one day with a friend. It felt amazing to get in a good lift...but I had been avoiding the gym because I didn't want to deal with people or talk to anyone. I thought that surely everyone would know ...

Such a strange world I'm living in these days...strange feelings and emotions I'm not used to feeling. I miss feeling like my old self, without this cloud of sadness hanging over my head. I miss him. I miss him so much. I have so many things I want to tell him and talk to him about. I just really need him.  I've always been the strong and steady one, the one who doesn't show emotions, who doesn't fall apart, who helps everyone else with their problems, but that doesn't mean I don't need help and encouragement. Sometimes you don't always want to "be strong". Matt was that one person in my life who was the person I didn't have to be strong for, who could encourage and support me, and I literally have NO ONE else in my life like that. It's weird, because a part of me wants people to just think I'm fine, doesn't want to be raw and real and vulnerable... but then another part of me wants people to know how I really feel, des...

I post about him every day, because I can't help it. Because I think about him 24/7. Because I need to talk about him. I want to talk about him.  And that doesn't mean that I'm not living my life, because I am. I get out, I go to the gym, I smile, I hang out with family and friends....I'm living. By God's grace, I'm living. But that doesn't mean that he's not on my mind all the time. He always will be. Always.  I can continue living life, but I'm never going to let go, and I don’t want to let go...He will always be a part of me, and I want it that way. Right now, I just miss having my "person" by my side. I miss the bond we had, the love we shared. I miss how when I was in his arms, I felt so safe and loved and content…I felt so blessed, so thankful, because I truly had everything I had ever wanted, and that's the truth.  I miss having that special connection you have with someone who's been with you through thick a...