Lindsay's Ramblings

When my husband died all the stability and certainty of my life disappeared in the blink of an eye. I felt like I was wondering around, lost, with no anchor. I truly had no idea what I would do or how my life would end up. But one thing that helped me to get through this was just to take things one day at a time. Even though it was definitely hard at times when my heart was in so much pain, I tried to simply live in the moment and appreciate the small things. And I still do that to this day. All we have is this moment. The past is gone and the future is not certain. So be sure to open your eyes to the beauty around you everyday. Savor this moment. Kissing your husband. Snuggling with your kids. A butterfly landing on a flower. Blue skies. A warm cup of coffee. Crickets chirping at night. A roof over our heads. A refrigerator full of food. A car to drive. Life is hard. It seems like the world is in chaos right now and there's so much hate and anger. But we can make the choice to be ...

Hey guys!  I just thought I'd drop in with a life update. So I know I posted a while back about my boyfriend and me breaking up. There was just a lot going on at the time, and both of us needed to take a step back. But we've worked through things and are back together now. We're committed to moving forward and doing life together...which I will admit, still terrifies me.  A relationship is definitely a lot different now than it was with Matt... there are kids, hectic schedules, exes, past issues, etc...so it can be hard at times, I'm not gonna lie. But I am happy and feel good about my life right now, although sometimes it still feels like I'm living someone else's life...  With that being said, I still wouldn't say I'm "healed".  Something happened to my brain when I went through Matt's cancer and then his death, and I don't think I'll ever be the same. I'm still realizing the trauma of what I went through and seeing the effect...

I finally got my beach trip!!!! I've been trying to plan a trip for forever, but it just never worked out.  It's been 2 years, and that is absolutely not acceptable. The beach is my happy place, and it was much needed! It was as little different experience for me since I went with my boyfriend and his kids, and our friends and their kids, but it was a great time! The kids had a blast, and all I need is some time on the sand with a beach view and I am GOOD. My happy place Their frozen drinks were delicious!  Life is better in a bikini!  Love these pics!  Father and daughter Walking the beach after dinner  Kids loved jumping the waves!  Beach hair don't care! I need to see this at least once a year! Friends!💙 Salt in the air, sand in my hair 🌴

Well, the 2 year anniversary of my husband's passing came and went. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to that day, as I do with days like those. You just never know what to expect or how you will feel...sometimes the anxiety leading up to the day is worse than the actual day. But I felt as I expected I would. I looked at photos and videos and cried. I just felt tired and "off" the first half of the day, but I went in to work and that helped. This is one of the harder days for me, but I made it through. Matt, 2 years. You've been gone for TWO YEARS. How can that be? How? How are you not here? How am I living life without you?  Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, that I don't miss you. I don't talk about it, my grief, or about you, as much anymore...Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like I "shouldn't"...and I hate that. I hate  that I feel like I can't talk about you, that people don't want to hear about it an...

Please keep me in your prayers. I'm still struggling. I'm still in pain. This life is hard. I am not stronger because of this-I am weaker. I know this is not what people want to hear, but it's true. Don't forget us widows. I would not wish this life on anyone. Grief changes you. Changes your brain. Makes you scared. Makes you not trust yourself. Trying to live this life and make sense of things and figure out how to move forward and be happy again while not forgetting the past...it's just exhausting.  I want and am ready to move forward and love again. I truly am. I want to be happy again. I've accepted that I'll never again have what Matt and I had. I am okay with that. What we had was special and unique to us. But... I want my fairy tale ending. Is that wrong? Is that possible? Is that just not my destiny? Why was that taken from me? We had something good. It's hard to accept that I may not get the ending that I want, that my love story happened alread...

Hey! I’m here again with another blog since I actually have time now! So we are on day 31. Well, at least day 31 for me of being unemployed. Things are not going too bad as of now...like I said, this is nothing new for me besides the not being able to stay busy. I’m an introvert, so I don’t need a lot of people and I enjoy my alone time...buuuut this is a little TOO much even for me! I think today I have officially reached the delusional stage. I have been snap chatting videos with funny filters just to entertain myself-ha! I mean, I can be kinda funny sometimes. 😂 So, just  for an example, this is what I did today. ...got up and ate breakfast, then had coffee in my sunroom. I read my devotional during breakfast, and then I just play around on social media while I drink my coffee. My sunroom has been my oasis! Then I usually just waste more time on my phone(don’t judge-it passes the time!). After  a couple of hours, I finally get up and change out of my robe and put my make...

Everyone is freaking out right now(and understandably so)...meanwhile I'm over here feeling better than I have in almost 2 years. To me, this is nothing new. On June 29, 2018, my world was shattered. My heart was ripped out. My anchor was taken away. My routine was knocked outta wack. My future plans gone in the blink of an idea. I have felt anxiety and uncertainty every single day since then. Death doesn't scare me. Uncertainty doesn't scare me anymore. I've been floating in a strange "in between" place almost for 3 years now, and I still don't know where I'll be a year from now, much less 5 or 10 years... But I’m here right now, and that’s huge, because I truly never thought I could live without Matt. Things are still uncertain and scary, but I’m here. And I’m thankful. Thankful and scared and sad and happy all at the same time. After Matt died, I would have moments of happiness. Then it would be a day where I felt okay, or a few ...